E X - B U D D H I S T
I grew up in a home where religion didnt play that much of a role. My mother is a Buddhist. As a child we went to temples every year. It was the most boring and useless event I ever went to. I hated it. The only thing I looked forward to was the food. My mother always expected us to be the best. If we werent, she would get mad about it. I remember when she expected my sister to do taxes and she was only in elementary school. I resented my mother for that. And I never really grew close to her. I cant remember being hugged or even told "I love you" by her. I wasnt even taught how to love at all. I was taught how to be nice, but not to love.
My mother really worked hard to pay for the bills. She would sew clothes and stay up all night trying to finish them. She hardly had enough time to rest. I know she cries at night because the labor is to much but she goes on for us, her children. To put clothes on our back and meal on our table. I know she loved us, but she doesnt know how to show it. But no matter what she did to me, I still loved her because of the sacrifice she did for us. She put us before herself when it comes to food, clothes, etc. I cant even remember the last time she bought herself some new clothes. I know she wanted us to follow her ways but she never forced us to. I know that she studied being a Buddhist in her younger age. She has that "Im older then you so I know more then you and you dont know more then me" attitude. I believe she was taught like. Not much I can do to change her. All I can do now is pray that the Lord leads her to him.
Growing up for my sister was very hard. Because she was a girl she was always expected to do certain things. My mother pushed putting others before you more strictly for my sister then she did for me. She always expected my sister to be like her. But to me my sister was way better then her. At least my sister listened and tried to reasoned while my mother just screamed and screamed and screamed to be heard above everyone else. I dont really know if she believe in Jesus back then or not. All I knew was that she was as hard headed as my mother and I. But still, she tried to be nice just like how she was taught. Now she believes in Jesus and Im trying to show her the truth. But she still have a hard time with it. But as she grow in the Lord itll all come together.
I didnt get to know about Jesus until I was in the fourth grade. I remembered seeing a film about him when I was in another country before I came to America. But I was so young then I didnt understand it at all. I was living in Waikiki and attended Ala Wai elementary school. One summer a lady came by and gave us a fruit basket and invited us to go to the church for vacation bible school (VBS). Me and my friend that lived up stairs went. It was a miracle that she found me considering that I lived on the third floor and the second door to the end of that floor. I remembered when I opened that door she was standing there with a fruit basket. She became my Sunday school teacher and I went to Sunday school almost every Sunday to learn about Jesus and other stories in the bible. I got to admit, I didnt enjoy it THAT much, but I loved the food she always had with her every Sunday. But the morals she taught me from the bible stayed with me through out my life. And it became a light to my path and I hid it in my heart.
Growing up wasnt easy for me. My mother lived with her boyfriend who was a pervert. I didnt like him very much. I hated the way he touched me and the way he looked at my sister. He watched porno and records them. Its so sick I dont even want to think about it. But he did a REALLY big part in helping the spirit of lust get to me. And through out my whole entire youth up till now I had to struggle with my feelings. I didnt have a father and I was looking for a male figure in my life. The battle for my feelings was so hard I wanted to kill myself at times. It was a lonely battle since I kept it to myself. No one would understand. No one.
As a teenager I was labeled as a goody little boy that kiss up. I dont kiss up. I dont like kissing up. All I did was do what Jesus says to do and follow what he says. I resented them calling me that and I start rebelling against Jesus. All his morals he taught me I tried to forget. But I couldnt. No matter how hard I try I always found myself turning back to those morals I once followed.
I got an interest in the occult at that time. Occult science was so interesting to me. I caught on to it pretty fast. I got into meditation and such. I remember at times I could dream about the future and at times I went out of my body and saw the city from above. But something was wrong. I could feel something trying to influence me while I meditate.
Later on I finally understood that it was the spirits that showed me the future. As I got into meditation I felt something pulled me deep into myself. As I followed it, I heard a voice, a still, strong voice above everything else, from the inside of my heart say "Ive been waiting for you". I freaked and stopped meditating to much after that. I thought of Christ as someone that was weak and didnt have much power. I began rebelling against him but no matter what, I never deny he was the son of God. It never left my lips and it wasnt even in my heart. I knew he existed but I just didnt care. I was using him when I prayed to him to get my way. And I couldnt even see it then.
Recently around last year (2000) my feelings got out of control. I went porn crazy. I just had that lust. I couldnt tell anyone about it. My lust for the same flesh overcame me. But I fought it. It was weird, I could feel two heart. One lusted after the flesh, the other (which I found out was my true heart) puked it out and was disgusted. Then the question struck me...was homosexuality wrong? I thought "no, God accepts anyone because hes loving. If they dont believe that they are not true Christians." But it just didnt seem right. So I decided to turn to God and ask him for the truth. I held him to his word. Jesus said "ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find." I told him "Im holding you to your word. Remember what you said."
So I asked him "is homosexuality wrong?" First answer I got "yes." I couldnt believe it. I asked him again "is homosexuality wrong?" Again, the same answer "yes". By that time I was shaking in the spirit. So I asked him again "is homosexuality wrong?" Same answer "yes". By that time I was shaking and when I got the third answer I cried. How could it be wrong? I believe all my life it was right and now here he says its wrong. Imagine all your belief system beginning to crumble apart. I couldnt handle it. So I seek for an answer on the internet. I found Rays site. I began to thirst for Gods words. Its like a fire that burned with in me. I would just stare at my computer and read his prophecies every time I got the chance. At first as I found Rays web page I thought it was fake. As soon as I saw the word Jehovah on it I assumed it was a Jehovah witness web page. I didnt even want to read it. But something kept bring me back to it over and over again. So I gave up and read it. As soon as I read one of the prophecy I recognize it from a dream I had. I prayed to the Lord before asking him "Lord if there is a prophet in this day and age please let me hear your words." At night the Lord would show me the web pages and I would read it.
Around that time the devil revealed himself to me. I put what I learned about the occult together with what I learned from Rays web page. All I can say to myself was "I knew it, I knew something was wrong. I knew it." So I began to read the Lords words. It was such a blessing to me. But the devil kept attacking me night after night. At times I thought I would die but the Lord saved me at the last minute. I couldnt get much sleep and I was getting sick and tired of it. As I grew in knowledge of the Lord I began to love him. I saw his love shine through and as I read his words I cried. I loved him because of his righteousness and how much he has to suffer now with the people rejecting him but he still loved them. I soon asked him to be my savior. He baptized me in the spirit (scared the heck out of me because of the bright light) and when I asked him about not being baptize in the water he gave me a dream where I was in the water and a beautiful sunset and he was baptizing me.
But I didnt understand it at all. The spirit of God was with me. Why do I still have these urges. These lust? So I fought it. And with the help of the Lord I won the fight with pornography. It has no place in my heart anymore. I was so happy and I loved the Lord even more. Its like in my mind was only Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that, my friends and sister got sick and tired of it.
Then the devil came and tempted me again. I prayed to the Lord and my lust of the flesh died. But then I did the most unthinkable thing. I gave into it right afterwards easily on my own will. Satan didnt force me to it. I did it of my own will. I remember before that I heard the rooster crow in the middle of the night 3 times. After I did that, that night I heard the rooster crow, and I almost broke. I couldnt understand it, I had the power to resist but yet I did it in my own will. I know the Lord was mad at me. It almost broke our relationship. I couldnt speak to him in prayer because I felt I had no right. But I came before him and repented. Time after time again I stab him in the back like that and time after time he lifted me up, over and over again. I could feel him lift me up in the spirit, loving me. I tried to change, really I did, but it got harder. I remember what the Lord say "if you fail the temptation well do it again, just next time it might be harder then the first time." Man, was it hard. I tried to fight it but I couldnt resist. It was just to hard. But I still loved the Lord and I held on.
One night, in the beginning of this year (2001), Satan did something to my mind. I felt my mind snap and everything went blank. As I woke up, it was morning and my head didnt feel the same. Everything felt different. My heart was hardened and I had trouble reasoning. Sure I could think logically and put logic together, but where was the feeling of it all falling to place? I couldnt grasp it. My heart was so hard I couldnt even feel anything. It was like I was a walking corpse. I could feel the cold on my skin. I could feel my body getting cold, but I wasnt cold. It was like I was dead. It was so frustrating. Its like living with out a soul. Deep inside me I could feel my heart crying. I tried to cry, but I could not. I couldnt be broken. I felt so cold on the inside at times I didnt care at all. The love I once felt for Jesus and from Jesus was gone. I couldnt feel him any where. Its like he just left me alone. Deep in my heart, I could feel myself crying. I wanted to cry out and be heard, but I couldnt. My prayers felt so empty. I felt like the only one listening is the wall that echo my words back. I felt so unloved and so cold and lonely. Even my friends and family couldnt take the loneliness I felt inside of me away.
Around that time I began to look for a church to attend. I didnt know which church to attend. Then in a dream the Lord (more like his messenger) told me to go to the Waikiki Baptist Church. And theres a division in the church and if I looked closely I would see the sign. Sure enough as I went I saw the sign that said Korean service at such and such time and English service at such and such time. That was the division he was talking about I believe. I didnt want to go to the church at first but the Lord gave me a dream where he showed me all the excuses I used on him and I couldnt say anything because I didnt know any more excuses to tell him. So eventually I went to the church. It was so loving. There was a new pastor there. He and his wife was so wonderful. They taught me so much just by inviting me over to their house. His wife became a grandma to me. I enjoyed being around them so much. My Sunday school teacher was so wonderful. She love the Lord so much that when she pray, she cries and every time she talks about the wonder things God did there would always be tears flowing down her eyes.
But even though the church was a typical regular, normal church, it was dead. Im sure they loved the Lord. But needless to say, its dead.
Even though I found a church, I still wasnt happy. Inside I still felt cold. The love I once had for the Lord seem to be gone. As time went by I could feel my heart beginning to soften a little. Then one night I relaxed and tried to feel my heart. Suddenly I could feel this small, very small remain of my love for Jesus and his love for me. It was like that part of my heart got protected. It was so precious me I held it so dear and close to my heart. Around that time I began to put my memories of the Lord together. Satan couldnt erase all of it. Piece by piece I tried to put it together. Then Satan did the most unthinkable thing, he didnt hold back any longer. No longer did he hide the spirit of lust under the illusion of the flesh. Finally I understood it. I finally understood the source of my lust. It wasnt the flesh I was after all this time, it was the spirit of lust that disguised itself in the form of the flesh. THAT WAS WHAT I WAS AFTER ALL ALONG!! It was sick. The beating of my heart began to increase and I thought it was going to explode. It didnt need a face or body to long for anymore. My heart hurt so much I just wanted to die.
At night I would relax and open up my true heart, the one that still had the love of Jesus. It was so precious to me. My only jewel that Satan couldnt corrupt. It was hard at times to feel that love since Satan attacked me so much with the spirit of lust, with thoughts after thoughts after thoughts. But I searched there, at night, in the dark for my heart and I always seem to find it. I was so lonely. I tried to tell my best friend about it but he didnt listen. He thought I was going crazy. Then one night, I gave up. I just gave up. There I laid, all alone, I couldnt take it any more. I was ready to give up to Satan. To let him corrupt me since I couldnt fight it any longer. I had no hope at all. But before I did that I wanted to give Jesus something. For all Ive done to him, the only thing I could do was give him what was most precious to me, my heart, that small little heart that still loved him and Satan couldnt corrupt. Eventually, over time, I believe Satan would of corrupted it too. So before he could even touch it, I gave it up to Jesus in a prayer.
It was so hard to open up my heart.
So there I was in the dark, so lonely, looking for that piece of my love that was still in my heart. The most precious thing in me that I held so dear, helped kept me through all the temptations. Then I began to form the words to my prayer to offer him my heart before I let Satan corrupted me. Then it came to me. I had to fight the demons out of my head but the memories came. I remembered how Jesus always lifted me up after I fall. I remembered him reaching out to me. I remembered the things Jesus did for me. I remembered how I tried to move on with my life with out Jesus but I couldnt. The most unbelievable thing happened to me, I cried. So I said to the Lord "my beloved Master, on the day I got you I was so happy. But I failed. Im so sorry. The only thing I have to give you now is my heart. I love you so much. Even if I dont make it to heaven to see you, Ill still love you. Even if you sent me to hell, Ill still love you. Even if you send me to eternal darkness Ill still love you. No matter what, I will still love you." As I cried I remembered what weve been through. I was so hard headed. So selfish. Ever since I found Jesus it has always just been the two of us. Where was those pastors? Where was the spirit filled Christians that had his power but didnt do anything? Where was they when I needed them? I could understand why the Lord is so mad at them. Jesus and I, Jesus and I, Jesus and I. Thats how it has been since then. I feel asleep with tears flowing. The tears were so precious to me.
But when I remembered all the things I have been through with Jesus, it gave me the strength to fight back. I fought and fought and fought. It seems like I gave up and fall more often then I won. But every time Jesus would always lift me up and I would do it all over again. As time went by my heart began to soften. I began to feel a closeness to the Lord I never felt before. I loved him more and more and more after that. I had to fight for that love. True Jesus love was for free and my love for him was free but Satan kept attacking my heart over and over again. He tried to kill my heart by hardening it. He tried to cover up my heart with a fake one. He tried to make me see Jesus was weak and that he wasnt the son of God and such. But he failed. The more he tried the harder I ran to Jesus. He couldnt lie to me any more. He screwed up, bad. All the lies he told me didnt go together. It seem to contradict each other. The only truth I found was in the prophecies and the bible. That always went in a straight line.
I will admit it wasnt easy. When my prayers seem to bounce off the walls, I remembered what Jesus said. He said to pray with everything you got and love God with every thing you got. So thats what I did. I prayed to Jesus with all my strength, my heart, my soul. I loved him with everything. It was hard, it was really hard with Satan trying to take it away.
Finally, I got the upper hand. Satans tricks became old and I saw through it. True even though I saw through it some of it got the better of me. But as I saw through his tricks, there was Jesus, with me all the way. Always there by my side. Even though I couldnt feel him there, he was there all along. Holding me through the temptations. Even though I fell, or succeeded he was still there, holding me through everything. When I found that out, I loved him even more. Then one day as I prayed in my room I could feel Jesus there. Where I clasp my hands to pray, his hands were there in my hands and I held it. When I closed my eyes I could see his eyes, looking at me. So loving, so tender. He smiled and I cried before the presence of my King. Hes more then my King to me. Hes so precious to me. I can say I love you to him a thousands time till no voice can come out of my mouth, it still wouldnt be enough. Even though he allowed Satan to harden my heart, I still loved him. Deep inside, during those times, I still loved him. And my love for him (even though through out that time I hardly felt it) kept me going.
Then when FF9 came out and the Lord allowed me to get it, as I passed the game (ok I cheated, I didnt have the patience to level up and find everything) I heard the most wonderful song that described what I went through. The song is called "Melodies of Life" and when I heard it, I feel in love with it. The words almost so closely described how I felt and what I thought as I went through my ordeal, especially the first few lines of that song.
Well, thats my story. Thats what Jesus and I went through together. And you know what? It was all worth it. If I didnt have to fight for my heart, to fight for that love I held so dear, I would of never loved him as much as I love him now. I left out a lot of details to shorten out my testimony. But I hope this will help you people that feels that Jesus isnt there and he doesnt love you anymore realize that your wrong. And if you love him (even though you have the hardest time feeling it), fight for it. Fight for your love. Satan will do what ever it takes to take it away. Whats worth having is worth fighting for. Stand and fight with the Lord and you will never lose.
GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!!
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