Part 2 - Sister K’s Prayer for Deliverance from Homosexuality
Sister K’s Testimony – Part 1
You are my hiding place, You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance whenever I am afraid, I will trust in YOU!!! Oh Yahweh my Elohim you are so awesome and powerful and have brought me out and through so much for Your honor and Glory! My thinking about the times, that I know of, that you had delivered me. There were probably hundreds more times that I don’t even know about, nor recall. Praise Your Holy and Wonderful Name!
I was conceived News Years Eve 1965 and born exactly 9 months later. I was not even supposed to have been born. My mom had still birthed twins some 3 or 4 yrs prior to my birth and had other complications hence she was told she would never have children. Imagine her surprise when the doctor told her then that she was pregnant. It was just prior that my mom had fallen off the back of my dad’s motorcycle and "whatever had been wrong was now back in place” the doctor said, and that she was surely going to have a baby. Hallelu-Yahweh!
Thank You, Abba Father, for teaching me about Your magnificence at a young age of 7 in parochial school. I learned that You are everywhere and omnipresent! This was so awesome of a revelation to me. It was shortly after that time that we went camping and I saw the most beautiful rainbow~ so complete and huge! I recall being at that campground (where there were many copperhead snakes) and I went to hop on my bike and I later noticed a snake had curled itself around the bar of my bike. I immediately jumped off the bike and ran for help. I recall my uncle chopping it up with the ax. I know Yahweh God was with me at such a tender age.
I remember one day being on the bus heading home from school (at the beginning of the school year) and a neighbor girl went to get off at a stop that was not ours. I think I heard a voice say “Go with her”. I jumped up and got off the bus wondering what she was doing. Little did I know she got mixed up and thought that it was our bus stop. Anyhow two little lost and upset 8 year old girls were walking down a busy street wearing our little school dresses, carrying our lunch boxes, with about 25 cents between us. I noticed a gas station ahead and we reluctantly went and approached a lady getting gas and we asked her for a ride to our bus stop. She must have seen our tear stained eyes and Yahweh was surely watching over us. This complete stranger brought us right to our bus stop no problem. Praise Yah!! Yahushua in me always is watching out for the welfare of others!
It was about this time I started to see the power of prayer in my life, too. I had first asked for a baby sister and would you believe my mom had one within a year (little did I know till recently my mom was actually considering an abortion then due to bad situations with my brothers birth 5 years prior). Later I asked for a pool. My folks could not afford one and actually bought one though, and it got delivered to our house. What are the chances that my dad realized his mistake, cancelled the order and the pool company went out of business. This pool sat in our driveway for over a year (or longer) in boxes until my dad and uncle finally went ahead and put it up since they were not coming to get it. Some of the best summers ever! Guess who had to keep the pool clean? I felt it was my gift from Yah, so my pool, LOL.
I accepted the Messiah at age 12 along with my family. It was my dad who led us to Yahweh God as he had a wonderful personal experience with Him, so that it had changed his life. He says it has been 30 years ago in Feb. 2009. My dad worked a lot and so I did not know what to do to get closer to God but I tried to read the bible and pray. I would try to read psalms and proverbs each night before going to sleep. I was afraid then of reading Yahushua’s beatings and piercings since it was horrible to me as I was raised pretty sheltered. Being the oldest child I did try to be a positive role model, and the hero. We went to church sometimes and other times had bible study at home with the family.
As a teenager I used to think I would not be an effective witness for Yah because I did not have a testimony. Boy does the devil lie. I tried to be good teenager and show His love and live a righteous life. I did not get into trouble much or hang out with the wrong crowds. My friends even knew how I actually tried to save myself for my husband and hence the devil knew this so he tried to get at me to break my vow (or promise) another way. My childhood/ neighbor friend had a dad who was a Pastor of a small church. It was actually this friend who brought me to her dad's church a few times and that had reinforced some teachings to stay on the right path. She also taught me that I was a people pleaser. I was upset as I wanted to be with my friends or my boyfriend and yet my family was vying for my time too and then there was homework. Not to mention working (by babysitting for neighbors or cleaning their homes) as much as I could because I had to buy my own clothes and things I wanted or needed. I would get emotional at times as I so much wanted to have everyone like me and yet be a peacemaker. Sometimes I would just cry not even knowing why. I know now that I wanted more of Yahweh and I know He wanted me too~ more of me. That void needed to be filled (with Him).
Unfortunately, I was led into sin with a new friend and was tempted in a way that would alter my walk with Yahweh. She became a good friend over the course of a few months and little did I know (till later) she was trouble. Well, I was invited to go on a trip with this friend and her older sister that was the trip of a lifetime. The night prior I was seduced by this best friend (I did not know she was a victim of incest or homosexual). I never would have done this on my own. The enemy spoke to me that night as I recall hearing what I thought was my conscious ‘just try it you can always stop and what if you lose a friend if you don’t give in to her and then you don’t get to go on this trip’. I had seen the line drawn as I was quickly contemplating what to do. And unfortunately I believed the lie that I could go right back over the line. Let’s just say I gave in and was stuck in the mire of a pit and could not get out for a while. I would pray and try to praise Yah to help me to get out and it seemed He was not listening (or He did not think I was ready yet?) He was seemingly far from me. I tried to repent to no avail. It was only this person I sinned with, yet so wrong!!
I was in a head on collision that could have ended my life as I was living in this rotten sin. Praise Yahweh He intervened, I truly believe, and instead of a single scratch on me and being shook up, the vehicle I was driving and the vehicle that lost its breaks, and hit me head on, was totaled. I praise Yahweh He had His hand upon me as I could have been in the deepest pit of hell if I perished then and there. My mom told me later that day (a witness to the accident had called my folks early that morning to tell them of the accident and to meet me at the scene) then when my little sister awakened to the scurrying of my brother and dad getting ready to go to find me and not knowing what to expect, my sister was frantic, crying hysterically as she thought the worse. It surely could have been. Thank You, Yahweh that it was not!! You are sooo good to me, even when I did not deserve it.
I was feeling so alone in my little world of this one sin I was seemingly stuck in. I had no one to talk to or confide in which to reach out for help (or so I thought or was led to believe yet again by the enemy). Yet Yah heard my plight and one day I read a bumper sticker on a car in front of me one day while driving (the ‘Sound of Life’) and I was led to Christian radio. I quickly memorized the numbers of that radio station and listening to it helped give me the strength I needed to reconnect with Yahweh via praise and deeper prayer and get the focus off of myself. (Psalm 118:21 says I shall give thanks to You for You have answered me and You have become my salvation).
Then I met the man, who was to be my husband, who was another believer (who was also living in sin) and it must have been him and my folk’s prayers that gave me the courage to end this pitiful sin (as they both had inquired of me about this relationship to which I denied, unfortunately, as it was so shameful to me). I finally got the strength and Yah helped me climb out of the pit. He surely set my feet upon His Rock, Hallelu-Yah!
Several months later I made an even bigger mistake and married this man. I recall inquiring to Yahweh, 'God, if you don't want me to marry this man then please put the writing on the wall in big letters.' Well, I was still very naïve and I was bossing Yahweh around. Not good. Of course, I have since learned about waiting on Yahweh and how it is suppose to be about Him and His time not my own. I also went against my parent’s wishes and married this man as they were afraid for me making another big mistake. I cried because my dad (blessed with a great vocal voice) would not sing at the wedding.
I recall knowing I should tell my fiancé of my sin (as he told me his past problems), prior to getting married, but I thought it would kill me. In fact, this was another lie (of the enemy) that I would die if anyone else found out as my family had known now. I so wanted to tell him. My mom would say I went from the frying pan into the fire. When my fiancé and I would be driving I would notice how easily angered he would be sometimes because of other drivers (for example), even on his best behavior. I did not like that at all. Yet I had lived such a sheltered life, so I tried to not pay much attention to his imperfections. After all, I was free now and maybe I could help him or change him to live better for Yah.
My husband and I did both did rededicate our lives to Yahweh God when we married and really tried to live solely for Him. I know I needed to get serious as now I was redeemed and given another shot to get it right. There would be no more compromising! I was now freed from the laws of sin and death, hell, and the grave but I knew I still had to tell my husband the truth of my past! So now I was really trying to seek Yahweh with my whole being. I got baptized in the River by our new house (we were blessed with an old fixer upper). This was just one of many miracles that were unfolding. I received a 100% on 3 different area exams for a job position I always wanted and had studied for. Oh how I wanted to hear from Yahweh God and please HIM, wholeheartedly! I was working at a local hospital and was drawn to two older lady co-workers. It was the Savior living in them actually that attracted me. They were very sweet sisters of great faith and always had a song (or were humming), it was something I wanted and felt I needed.
Things were going so well between hubby and I and we believed we were in love. We were involved with the church now (though never did become members) but we would pray and pass out tracks together and try to help others. I recall lying in bed one night with my husband snoozing next to me and all the blessings around us with great jobs and health, yet felt like the bottom was about to drop out. I felt a panic come over me. I started weeping and praying quietly. Yahweh interrupted me: “What? Haven’t I taken care of you this far?” “Yes” I responded. “Then what makes you think I would let you go now?” He asked. I was awestruck. This was the first time I finally heard from Him audibly! I immediately had a peace where I was drifting off to sleep. Then I recalled how my dad had taught me that if you think you heard from Yah to ask Him to repeat it for you as a confirmation. Would you believe Yahweh did repeat it Word for Word! I have never forgotten it to this day!! Years later I would finally find in His Word (Deuteronomy 31:8) that HE promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us! Little did I know that later I would have to hang on to His words (as like holding onto the hem of Yahshua’s garment) for dear life.
About a year after our wedding I finally did confess and told my husband of my past sin. It was the beginning of another type of hell that I had to endure now, the wrath of an angry man who was supposed to be a true believer. Though I apologized deeply from my heart to him and he seen the true tears of the weight that had been on me for about 2 years it was a rough time. Though I felt the nice release and Yah’s peace that surpasses all understanding yet I also felt the soon coming wrath of the enemy who wanted me to die of shame (having someone else know, other than my family, and the man I loved for that matter whom I never wanted to hurt in a million years). It was the fact that I had hurt Yahweh and grieved His precious Spirit that hurt me most, though. And to this day I feel the pain sometimes and I am so glad I have been redeemed!
My husband would say he had me on a pedestal and though he shouldn’t have, only Yahweh belongs there... he kicked me off it quick. Things had never been the same, now I was, what felt like, the doormat. He did try to forgive though he was to never forget. And years later when he was upset for me for something he would use this situation to hurt my feelings time and time again. Yet I knew I was forgiven by Yahweh, Hallelu-Yah! The husband was really looking down at me now. Yes, Praise Yah, HE, too, was looking upon me and was with me every step of the way.
Shortly after my confession, my husband was wanting to drink and drug and even experiment with steroids (so to build a better body). I was totally against all of it knowing when we married that he had trouble with drugs and alcohol in the past and was trying to stay sober. I went to AA meetings with him I would feel my heart break over these men and women who had lost almost everything they had cause of alcohol and or drugs. They were in a pit like I had been and it was so hard to get out. My heart would break for these people so much that I even promised Yah that I would never drink again if he took away the desire for mixed drinks that I would occasionally enjoy. Yah did just that and I did not drink for the next 13 plus years. Now my husband was hanging with the wrong people and I was against that. Though I praise Yah I had never seen him totally drunken I did not like what I had seen at all. He was changing into another person and it was not pretty. In fact it was like two different people I was living with.
One day my husband’s friend (and drug supplier), had just left our home I reminded my husband how wrong this was and how I was against his using. Well he grabbed my throat and tried to strangle me right there in our kitchen after renting my blouse of all it’s buttons in a single tear of anger. I had seen deep hatred in his eyes despite my having the peace that surpasses all understanding knowing Yahweh was with me, though, so I did not care if I lived or died. I was right with HIM and I knew I would be with Yah in paradise. Well the husband let go after a very long minute or two what seemed like forever and very uncomfortable. I was so shocked I cannot even recall what I did after that. I think he left and I went to the bedroom and cried to Yahweh. No one has ever laid a hand on me before. His use of drugs and alcohol were escalating now and I noticed he would drink and then go to bed. I was really trying to seek direction from Yah and would get in His Word more. A couple days later when my husband went to sleep after drinking quite a bit I had this fear and urging to get away from him. Around 2 or 3 AM with the husband still sound asleep I threw a bunch of clothes into a few garbage bags and then quietly put the bags in my (first and only new) car and left. Not even knowing where I was to go but maybe to my best friends home (the Pastors daughter) in MD. I only had about $20 which was for gas. I knew Yahweh would get me to my friends at least and I would have to be led by Him in what to do after that.
I was shaking and very nervous driving from our home. I noticed the lights and seen it was a pick up truck in my rear view mirror gaining on me fast. It was my husband and he was not happy. I sped up and so did he. I asked Yah to get me to an area that was not desolate but near the apartments that I knew was up ahead. As soon as I arrived to that exact area he cut me off with his truck and nearly missed hitting me. I locked my doors immediately as he rushed up to the car and sees the bags in the back seat. He is screaming at me to get out of the car. Of course I refuse. He takes his fist and shatters the windshield with one wild blow. Now I am really thinking this is it, he is going to kill me for sure. I am praying and crying yet trying to keep calm knowing Yahweh said He would be with me. The husband starts hitting the driver side window now and yelling for me to get out. Finally and quite reluctantly I did. I had just seen a few tenants in the apartments turning on their lights due to the noise. Husband grabs me again by the throat and pushes me into the car. Now I am fervently praying. (“Yahweh if you want to take me home please do so now. I cannot keep living like this. I know my life is not my own anymore as I was bought with a price.”) I knew that if Yahweh had delivered from my pit of hell years prior that I would serve Him wholeheartedly no matter what! Hallelu-Yah!
Well with hands of steel around my neck and my breath about gone the police arrived. But just prior he lets go making me promise to say that 'all is ok' when the police ask, or else!! So I was made to lie to them that everything was ok and to agree with him that we had a little fight. Couldn’t they see the window smashed in, I wondered. How upset I was or marks on my neck? They did not want to get involved and this terrorist assured them we were going straight home because now I was not to drive the car with a shattered window. I think I was shaking the most ever as I slowly drove back to the house with this potential killer following me. There were no cell phones then so I could not call my family who were ½ hour a way. My heart is racing just recalling all this. This was the beginning of many thousand of nights sleeping with practically one eye open for fear of my life.
A couple days later I pretended I was going to work and instead went to the police and then to court and got a restraining order. I recall going back to the police with the document later so I can get some clothes as I was staying with friends whom I met at the church. I was very frightened. I had never in my life seen a grown man beg on his knees with tears rolling down his face asking me to forgive him. It was very hard to see even in front of two cops whom we did not, yet, know. I still got my things and left for about a week. With his promising of repentance and not doing drugs anymore I came back home and he made me to reverse the order of protection. My family and friends who knew were not very happy with me and it was the start of many more trials of people who Yah put in my life as my own support system. Many were scared for my life.
My husband and I had tried to get closer and things got better between us for a while. We were back in church together and trying to be role models for the Messiah. Then I would see the ugly husband come out time and time again. I would try to get closer to Yahweh God and the enemy would counter attack me through the husband. I recall reading a book on my bed in some rare time alone about changing the world one child at a time (as I wanted children eventually but it was still about our timing, not HIS like it should have been). The husband seen me reading and I even may have mentioned how Yah was using this author to help challenged kids and he grabbed the book out of my hands and ripped it in pieces like a rabid animal. Unreal I thought to myself.
A couple years go by and I was so busy with work. I hated not having hardly any time to pray and praise Yah yet I was really trying to let the Light and Love of the Messiah in me to glow esp. at work. The more I would try to let it glow at home the more wrath I felt and had to endure. One day on my way home from work one night, I got rear ended in a car accident. Little did I know this was (another) wake up call to give Yahweh more of my time but I did not head the call and I went back to work with a collar on my neck and requested light duty. They worked with me even in pain and pain killers. So now I had exercises to do as my neck was never the same now. Each morning before work I had to try to stretch out just so I could work in this heavy demanding job.
My husband and I would usually talk as I was doing these exercises. One morning I was doing this little routine and I guess he did not like what I said or maybe I was not giving him enough attention, not sure, but he got on top of me and once again he grabbed my now damaged neck and proceeded to strangle me. This time I was not going to let him. I noticed my opportunity to knee him as hard as I could and I did just that. He keeled over and I grabbed my lunch and shoe's and key’s (always left in my shoes now JIC) and took off for work shaking like a leaf. I knew what to do now and got off early from work and went to get another order of protection. I stayed in hiding with friends yet again. I would have stayed at my folk's house but he knew where they lived, of course. I did not want to have to worry about them, too. I felt as alienated from my family as I surely had little time for them. What little time I had not working was for the husband despite his selfishness and abuse as he was quite controlling and demanding.
Sometimes he would go to my place of employment and harass me if he was not calling me to bother me and get me in trouble. So many were afraid not just for me but with me. He was like a ‘loose cannon’. I don’t know how many times I was scared for my life and my co-workers lives thinking he would come in there (as I was now working inside the office) and shoot us all. I had envisioned it too many times to count. Yahweh was with me though as He said He would be. I would still talk kindly to my husband and lovingly and he would apologize and I would again go back to him. Again I had to resend the restraining order and the judge was not happy about it. She had the pitied look that she knew I was being forced to do this again. Divorce was not in my vocabulary. I wanted to please Yahweh God and felt I was doing the right thing.
Now each time we would separate after fights and I went back to him, my family and close friends (with the exception of my dad and couple friends) would hurt me even worse by not talking to me. I know people bent over backwards to help and try to protect me but that had to be what hurt the most (their tough love on me). Just as much as a man I loved, trying to kill me. I was so alone most of the time now, even when I was with him. No true friends anymore or my sister or my mom. Boy did that hurt until I would leave him again and then my mom or sister would talk to me and comfort me. Thank You, Yah for being there, for listening for letting me cry on You and for teaching me to solely rely on You. Hard and painful lessons I have learned for sure.
On a day off one day we went to a restaurant for breakfast together. The tension would be so thick and his words horrible to me even in public. I recall going into the ladies room to get my tearful self together as I so wanted to walk out the backdoor forever and run away. Yet a lady whom I did not know was in there watching me contain my tears and she may have said something like "it's going to be ok" and I accepted it as I was always hope filled. The very next day at work I received a greeting card from this person, as she had recognized me and was one of my many customers (and come to find out she was a believer) and was encouraging me, praise Yah! HE was now sending me angels disguised as people, and I was encouraged.
I would be able to get away a couple of times to see my little sister and her family, praise Yah! She lived very far at the time and it was always a blessing to be around her. I would cry each time when I came back home. Oh, how I wanted what she had in a loving marriage and little one's. One day after one such trip seeing her new baby and missing her dearly Yahweh interrupted me and my pity party. I was tearfully drying my hair at the time thinking about my sister and her family and Yah spoke: "It is nice to love your sister and all, BUT~ you better love and put me first and foremost in your life." I almost dropped the hair dyer. I was an emotional mess all day even at church that my husband did not even know what to do with me. He took me to my folks and I just told them what I told you. I had no idea Yahweh was this jealous but He is! And after all I have been enduring, I thought that He had my undivided attention now but I was still too busy.
Years go by quickly and we are more like roommates though we would try to get along (or shall I say I tried the hardest). We were both throwing our time and energy into our jobs and even college. Homework was what was done on what little free time there was. He still would drink and drug but at least he stopped the steroids because it was really making him mean. His temper was still there though and his driving was horrendous. I cannot tell you how many times I thought he was going to kill us both while driving and how many times I was ready to simultaneously take off my seat belt and open the door to jump out of a moving truck (I just felt like I could not take it much longer). Praise Yah He delivered me so many times and got me wherever we were going but the stress level was way up there. I wanted so much more of Yahweh yet the enemy wanted to keep me in the little fearful rut I was in. I don't wish that on anyone!
Since I would go to my sisters every couple years it was agreed he would go on a hunt once in a while. One year he chose a wild boar hunt and he wanted me to go and to photograph it for him. (and spend the weekend together away for a change). So, we are up on this hill watching for the boar to run below the little knoll. We are looking at other squirrels playing nearby and just like resting and waiting. Suddenly I thought I heard this still small voice (or the thought in my head just appeared) to scoot back a couple inches and lean against the tree (as we were sitting side by side). I no sooner leaned on the tree and KAPOW!!!!! The very large caliber hunting rifle he had on his lap, facing toward me, had accidentally gone off just nearly missed my torso. The guides were calling on the radio screaming why he just scared off the boar and what happened??? He is all apologetic that he swore the safety was on ~etc....Yup, no doubt about it, Yah was with me that day and whether what husband said was true or not there was no doubt the enemy did have clear intentions to kill me. Praise Yah for another day!! As we do have to live daily like it is our last in prayer and submission to Abba Yahweh.
As most were worrying about Y2K I started to hear about some of Yah's truths from my dad who was now having more time to ‘dig’, and was led by Yah, as he was now semi-retired. He would email articles about the true Hebrew Names of Yahweh God and His Son, Yahshua, and the facts about pagan holidays. I recall I was feeling quite upset hearing of this and knowing I had been so misled all these years. It still bothers me today but I thank Yahweh for these truths so we may better serve and obey Him. The friction caused by my not wanting to observe Christmas anymore was another great strife as he would go all out for it knowing I was against it. I would gently try to show him how it was wrong and tell him about the Name truths of Yahweh and His Son, Yahushua, and boy would he get so offended with his firmly believing that I was so misled. I was really being treated so badly and harshly that the fear was escalating again. It truly was like a vicious cycle.
Then I was praying about not going to Christian Sunday church (as I had even felt that the spirit had left in the mid to late 90's). I would still go with hubby as he was kind of forcing me for a while there, when he was up to going to church. Yes he was acting like a part time Christian. One day a week he would try to treat me good and get along with others, it was rough and sad to be a part of. The road rage was still surly out of control no matter what day it was. Anyhow, praise Yahweh I can write this and I have peace now. I can do all things through Yahushua who strengthens me.
One night he took some sleeping pills he got from a nurse friend. It seemed like he had a bad reaction. I did not know what he did or took or how many as one night he was trying to get into the closet that housed the furnace. I was worried to put it plainly. He was acting like he was drunk. He was even then fervently looking for a razorblade. Why? Don't know, but I thought the worse, but now I was going to call this woman that gave him the drugs. She rushes over with her mom and we end up calling poison control who calls the ambulance and the police. The husband fights with the police and they end up carrying him down the stairs to the waiting ambulance in shackles and handcuffs because he would not let the paramedics take his vitals. I was so frightened that the police had me wait on the deck outside while they pinned him down. I was so scared he was going to do something worse like try to reach for a gun. Anyhow I go up to the hospital with one of his other friend who is also a nurse. I go in to see him in the room (he has charcoal all over his face and is still shackled to the bed) and he is yelling and cursing at me like crazy. I was crushed even more so. I could not do anything right (so he led me to believe and feel, consistently). The nurse or doctor told me that a psychiatrist was called and should be there in the next few hours. I was relieved, went home to sleep, and waited for her call. Finally he will get some of the help he needs I had believed. Well she called and said he was being released and for me to go get him. I broke down and cried knowing I could not save him and he needed Yahweh (and possibly professional help). He is such a smooth talker he was able to convince her he is ok and that it was all me. I had to bring a friend with me to go get him I was so fearful. He did not let that go for a long while nor the fact that because the police seen the stuffed deer head trophy's and hunting rifles on the walls they came and confiscated the rifles. What an ordeal that was. I was relieved though that they did that as the weapons added to my fears since the hunt.
Things quieted down a bit until the topic of church came up or if he heard me pray or try to read the WORD all hell would literally break loose. I wanted so badly to live righteously and set apart for Yahweh. Sometimes the hubby seemed like he did not want to live at all. It was tough and he would not go for help or couples counseling (after a short time that we did) and my counselor was really suggesting I get out. I clearly recall standing in our little bedroom office and he came in and he said he wanted a divorce. I was not surprised but yet I was like in a fog of shock because I did not believe in it (though I was his fourth wife). I was solely trying to keep it together and it was not working. Then he even said that he just talked to his mom and she said if she was here she would help me pack. Though I felt shocked about this all I was still confident that it was not Yahweh's will, or was it?
Another year or so goes by and he is not doing well at his job now, cause he can't sleep, (cause he picks on me and torments me because I am serving Yahweh). Anyhow he takes it out on me how bad he feels though I am still pressing into serving Yah even more. In fact, I wanted to go to see my boss as I was feeling convicted for having to work on the Sabbath (Saturday). So I compile the list of scriptures pertaining to not working on Yah's Holy Day that is to be set apart for Him and I bring it to see the boss. He looked at me like I was nuts and explained how many others want Saturday off and they had worked there longer than me, etc… I recall praying to Yah, either help me to get another job or get me out of here so I may better serve and learn more of You. About 6 months later or so another position became available and I had to pass the test to get it, if no one else bid on it. I got it and passed the test the second time, praise Yah, and now I had Wednesdays and Sundays off but still wanted Saturday off. I started the job soon after and it was good and in another office. I was thankful to get out of the first one in the Ghetto as my good co-worker friends were there and I was still fearful for their lives, sad to say, as they had become like family to me.
Things got worse now at home again. Each time I would make the last turn toward my house while driving I would pray that he was in a good mood because I never knew what to expect anymore. One day he threw a coffee mug at me in the living room area nearly missing my head; I finally left again and stayed with my folks this time. My friends were not all welcoming my closer walk with Yahweh God. I felt safer at my parents and it was a blessing they took me back in. I wanted to put another order of protection on him (as he was now threatening my life too) but his best friend talked me out of it because it would ruin his new career, so he said. If I had not just learned that a class mate just got killed by her estranged husband (who was a cop) with whom she had an order of protection on I would have.
One day shortly thereafter I got injured on the job. I was in so much pain and discomfort I did not know what hurt worse. My face hurt along with my neck and back. I could not walk or stand straight and had to hold onto things and walls just to balance. I was a mess and I would just cry out to Yahweh God. The doctors were afraid to touch me. Slowly I improved still but was not standing straight for some time. When I tried to go back to work some 6 weeks later my condition only got worse. I was flat on my back again and no I do not wish the pain on anyone! Ok Yahweh you have my attention now. Praise Your Holy Name!! Thankfully I was staying at my parents as they helped to care for me and take me to my appointments.
I was now learning about so much in my one on ones with Yah to pray and praise despite the pain. It really humbled me. I then learned about Yah's feast days and I finally attended my very first one of Passover in 2005. Mark and I were talking and getting along a little better. It was also about this time that we just decided that we now were able to move south, since he got laid off and they would not let me back (so it was like now or never). He had time to pack things up for us as I could not do much of anything. I was still in great pain.
A couple months later we closed on our home and had found another home on several acres. We rented a truck and left. We thought that the fresh start would help us in the marriage. It did not. Though the place was lovely and the people very friendly the one person I had to live with treated me even worse. Just when I thought things could not get any worse because of serious back pain, because of loosing all of what was left of my support network of family and friends, and because of my getting closer to Yahweh and living solely for Him (or trying to) something happened where things did get worse, in fact I was finally about to hit rock bottom.
The week Hurricane Katrina was getting ready to hit LA and TX , I prayed one morning while in the shower. I was feeling convicted of shaving (I was learning about the Nazarite vow in the bible) so I asked Yahweh to show me that I know that it without a doubt if you don’t want me to shave. Well I was also asking about going to Christian Sunday church. I really believed the latter to be what Yah did not want me to do. Well that day I was praying this was the mid week service. That night we were all dressed up and ready to go the service and I was feeling very reluctant to go (like I had the past months). I noticed our prized dog was wrapped around the tree with his wire (as he was on a line). I gently walked around the tree so he would not jump up on me. Hubby was cooling off the vehicle (it was like 100 degrees). The dog got free and I did not get out of the way in time cause as he heard the truck start he thought he was going for a car ride. The dog raced toward the driveway and I could not jump over his line fast or high enough with my injury and I recall being flipped onto my bottom and lying there flat looking up. I prayed 'Dear Yahweh, please not my back!!' I was in such pain.
My husband is looking at me like 'are you coming or what?' I said something like 'no- you go ahead' (thinking I could crawl to the house and up the stairs). After about 10 minutes of his fuming that I was not going with him he managed to help me get in the house. I could not walk without excruciating pain. Anyhow he managed to get me in the truck and take me to the hospital. I had torn every single extended muscle in the lower and upper leg areas and sprained the knee on top of it. It would have been better if I just broke it they said. One week later was my 39th birthday and Yah gave me Psalm 139. To realize all these awesome things I was amazed. That night I reluctantly hobbled into the church with him for the very last time. People were very upset because of the devastation of the hurricane and I was feeling rather horrible and confused having been through my own storms which they had no idea. When hubby was working I would just cry out to Yahweh like never before. I had never been in so much pain in every area of my life. Being fearful of him on top of it all and not knowing what to expect. Living in a desolate area with no family around me and now not being able to get away from the abuse or run if I had to, but solely rely on Yah, just what I needed to learn how to do.
I now was studying, praying, crying out more to Yah like never before. I could not do any of these things when the husband was home now. If I would try to pray by my bed if he was there husband would have a fit and make as much noise and continually harass me to get me to stop. In the middle of the night if he heard me praying or if I was finally asleep soundly he would wake me enough to scare me, and pull all the blankets on the floor. One day I was reading the Word, his personal study bible, and he was so jealous that he threw it in the garbage. I can go on but you get the picture. Yet I had peace now deep inside. I was growing more in Yah and I knew He was with me. It was also this time I think I pieced together the fact that the very first time I shaved my legs at age 12 or 13 I had also broken my leg. So even today I am questioning about shaving. (I am surely a student that is correctable and want to know all Yah's truths). The feast of Trumpets was now coming up, my first one ever, and I was praying hard I could go see my new friends (and my dad) and celebrate it. I could not get permission from husband so I went anyhow and wow! I met some new believers who were learning the name truths and many other truths of Yah. Some of these people are dear friends to this day and I thank Yahweh for them (they have helped me so much). At this particular feast we prayed on behalf of the world and asked Yah for forgiveness on certain issues that plague America and it was very intense. My new friend, whom we shared very similar names and age (no more coincidences!) and I repented on the sins of Eve and many very important sins that have seemed to be caused by American women, as Yah was putting upon our hearts. I was repenting for voting, for example and I did quietly pray against the evils of homosexuality as much as I wanted to confess it openly to everyone but I could not at that time (the enemy still had a foothold on this sore subject with me, when was I going to be totally free?) I went in there thinking I was all cried out. The tears of repentance were flowing not to mention I was now off crutches but in great pain still with my knee and back. But I was starting to hear more from Yahweh now and it is awesome! Dreams He would give and reading His Word was like becoming such life to me. I could not get enough.
I did go home after this but not for long. The wrath had accelerated once again. One day husband went to work and I drug what I could to the back door, backed up my vehicle and left for the third major time in our marriage. I was really starting to see our marriage was not meant to be. It broke my heart to leave the new home and all that was worked for so long and hard. Yet none of that can make one happy. I could not even breathe around my husband without a fight despite how I tried so hard to love him and show the love of Yah.
I stayed at my sister’s for several weeks and then met my dad and friends at yet another feast gathering. Gosh we were so blessed and now I never want to miss any of Yah's feast days. I drove back to my folks from there and a friend drove my vehicle, as I was still healing. Honestly at that time I did not even know where I was going to go. I just know I wanted to do whatever Yah had wanted me to. If He would have said go to back to husband or to go to China, as a missionary, I would have. My life as I knew it was over. I was totally sold out to Yah! I gave Yahweh everything I had and was.
After a few months of staying at my folks numerous calls and threats were still evident along with the harassment from the estranged husband. The whole family was on edge, not just me. When more threats on my life and my families’ lives was occurring I knew this is really getting out of hand. One day we would talk normally and lovingly with repentance and forgiveness and then it would completely turn to evil all over again. This went on for months. One day I called our house. A woman answered. I asked if husband was home and she said 'no, may I tell him whose calling?' I said 'no' and hung up. I immediately thought gee's this woman is in my house probably sleeping in my bed and Yah then stopped me. He said "whose house is she in?" whose phone is she on?' reminding me that nothing was mine anymore as I did give it up to Him. Then I did recall I was praying for husband fervently and that Yah would send some friends to help him. A few months later I had just awoken and was getting water or something looking out the kitchen window (while at my folks) and I was considering going back home. I was homesick and missing my animals and things, my life. And Yah spoke again: "IT IS NOT UP TO YOU". I was awed to say the least. I was really trying to seek Him and wanted to please Him now totally first and foremost but I was so confused and fearful.
I was trying to exercise once in a while when in not such great pain (as I was starting to gain weight- always had physical jobs). I would pray and play praise music to get my mind off the pain. One day I was in physical therapy and in pain and I so much wanted to get better. A song came on the radio there and it was a revised song of The Goodbye Girl, I could not hold back the tears even in public places (My heart ached so badly). Yah would show that He was still with me though. It was about this time that I found almightywind.com and to read these prophecies and Words from Yah's mouth through His handmaiden, I was awed that even the birds would wake me in the morning now (still do) everything looks so much lovelier with the sunsets and rainbows. Yah would and still does give me love songs in the night or is it IMMAYAH (Yah's Rauch Ha Kodesh) in me singing praises. It is still Awesome! One day I thought for sure Yah wanted me to go back to him. I thought I got confirmation. I started packing for home for what would be the very last time. Husband said he wanted me back and said he was getting closer to God and wanted to know the true Names and learn what I had been learning and so on. It was arranged that when I arrived some new mutual friends would be there too (JIC).
I had great peace going back and Yah was with me. I prayed and praised all the way home. I seen a small cloud that reminded me of the palm of a hand like Elijah's co-worker had seen before the great rains. I had Yah and I know I was doing my best to please Him first and foremost. I get there and friends pull in almost same time, Yah's perfect timing I thought. Roses and nice card on my dresser were stunning, a nice little welcome home. But husband has drinking party that night with his barbeque and I ended up putting him to bed before he makes a total fool of us. I was upset about this and it was a hint of what the next 5 months would entail. I had never experienced a tornado before but I dreamed of one. In the dream I was in a glass house and the lady of the house and everyone at this party went to get into the basement. We could not get in as the door was blocked or locked and so we huddled at the bottom of the basement stairs for some cover. I heard this awful loud noise of the tornado and see it coming around the house towards us. This large man that seemed to have a developmental disability was standing in the gap to like protect me and shield me. It was incredible.
It was rather obvious I was tricked to come back home and the harassment was worse. Now he was also mad on top of it all that I left him for that long of a time and left him to tend to all the animals alone. When husband went to work it was OUR time together again and it was good! But when he got home still all hell would break loose. I could not mention the Names of Yahweh or Yahushua without hearing blasphemy's it was so bad. I would go out to see the animals and just hold a pup and cry. These were my babies and Yah would have them lick my tears to just try to comfort me. Don't get me wrong I had great peace and I knew I was protected yet I was not suicidal. When the threats got bad again against my life I knew it was time to start getting my things together. I called the domestic violence hotline and got some suggestions from them and was memorizing the sheriffs number it was that bad.
One moment he would be nice as pie, next minute yelling and screaming. I was fearful to go boating or swimming with him now as he promised to drown me first chance he had. That is just one example of the many. Almost everyday he was asking me to leave, too. He would say stupid things like "let me help you pack, we can load your van tonight". The rejection was awful and for no reason not to mention the names I was called and the insults of stupid things. I really tried to take it and not fight or argue with him as it would make things worse. One day he was feeling in a decent mood and came up to me and was saying "just look at all we can have if you just go back to church with me and come back to Jesus and forget about all this stuff you have learned that has been ruining this marriage. We can have the world by the tail and all its riches", he said. I clearly pictured Yahshua on the high mountain and the devil tempting Him. I was not compromising any longer.
One of the last weekends there we had a major fight or shall I say he was upset while driving one day that I would not go to church with him any more. I would gently tell him that Sunday is not the Sabbath day and Yahweh wants a relationship not a church religion. He slammed on the brakes so hard I thought I was going to break my already damaged neck. Thankfully no one was behind us. He grabbed the sunglasses off my face so hard and fast he scratched me I thought for sure he was going to punch me and put me in the woods like he had said several times (as no one would find me) as the woods were so thick in the desolate area where we lived. I jumped out of the truck and started walking back the way we came. I was so emotional and done. I was headed toward the Sheriff that was about 4 miles away (though I could not tell him that), I was afraid he would try to run me over. I thank You, Yahweh that a friend of his from the church lived on that road in one of the houses I was walking by cause now he was panicking and begging me to get back into the truck all repenting and sorrowful (he was such a good actor). After about what seemed like an hour of torture and promises, as I am in pain physically and mentally. I get back in the truck and immediately he is back to his evil self and drives to the house like a maniac. I could not believe I kept falling for his lies.
The next week he went back to work yet again and I was pulling tubs of clothes out the back door. A good friend of his comes by to pick up something and sees all the stuff on the deck and inquires. I prayed and I noticed the large goodwill bags that I had reused for shoes/boots and clothes. I immediately said “oh it's for Goodwill”. And he offers to load up the van for me and then he left. Thank You, Yah, you awe me! I went back in the house and I cried out to Yahweh as I was feeling very frightful once again recalling what happened that first time I tried to leave. Anyhow I got on my knees and was yelling at the enemy and begging Yahweh asking why this has to be again and I just knew that I knew this was the last time I would ever be here again. If I left it was permanent. I called my dad and asked him to pray for me and I left.
I was quite frightened for the first few hundred miles but I made it to a friend's home first and stayed there for a few weeks. I was in hiding and resting my sore body with the stress and physical pain and I thank Yah for these new friends whom introduced me to Yah's Feast days and Sabbath rest. Crying, praising, and praying on every drive is priceless and such a cleansing. I made it back to my family and they are glad to see me. They were so fearful for me it was horrible what I put them through.
Such peace though being free from the wrath as I now changed my cell phone number and he did not know where I was, usually. I would still go through the emotions and cleansing and have good days and very bad days with my ailments though seeking Yah on what to do. I know most people meant well thinking I should either stay with him for better or worse and others knew without a doubt I tried above and beyond, and I did. Yet I wanted Yah's exact will, no matter what. One groggy morning I was getting coffee and reaching for the milk thinking of my sad story and inquiring to Yah: "why me?" or "this just does not seem fair!" Yah immediately interrupted my pity party and said "DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS NOT FAIR! I SENT MY ONLY BEGOTTEN AND SPOTLESS SON TO A SINFUL WORLD TO BE TORTURED AND TO DIE FOR THEIR SINS, SO DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS NOT FAIR!" It was very similar to that and I was going to try to never again say something like that or question Yahweh anymore. I know things could have been a lot worse; I praise Yah they were not. I did not write a lot of other things that did occur but you have an idea of what an unequally yoked marriage can do and the hold it has. I know Yah allowed everything to happen to me for His good reasons, though I may not understand it all yet, He has a plan (Jer. 29:11) and it is for hope and a future! Hallelu-Yah!
Well I applied to a lawyer for a divorce then I rescinded it as I was still seeking Yah's perfect will. I was a mess. Yet I was free to study and serve and love and help others! I was finally finding me as I was finding Yah and now taking hold and cleaving to Him and I was not letting go. I learned about IMMAYAH too and that was amazing, how she is the helper, the Holy Spirit, and much more. I also had contacted a couple ministries for prayer and more direction. This ministry did help me in my correct decision and teaching me how unequally yoked we were. I praise Yah for that! Finally had a date set for the divorce and I was very worried and concerned for me and my family's safety. Though husband could only email he was still both hot and cold and then he got a girlfriend. I was glad.
One month before the divorce it was not only 42 years to the day I was conceived, but it was the anniversary of the day I fell into sin as a teen. I felt like I was going to die-again because this same night my estranged husband (not too happy about divorce court coming up or because I would not talk to him on the phone) emails all my family and friends horrible things about me. Whatever the reasons, Yah allowed it to happen and I did not see this situation in its entirety at first. If that was not bad enough husband also told them I was in a cult (because of my wanting to get closer to Yahweh God and learn His true ways). My learning and believing the truths about traditional holidays being pagan, and to follow Yahweh's true holy days and commandments is what I was trying to do- to Honor and Please HIM. There is a verse in the bible, via Yah's servant Job: though He slay me, yet shall I live. I know Yah has been pruning me and molding me to be who He wants me to be. No matter how bad it hurts, no matter how many friends I get and lose, no matter how my family looks down at me, I will serve HIM. The gates of Hell will not prevail! Yet the enemy will still try to get me down! Why? Because Yahweh has plans for me and they are for good!
I went to my sister's home and we attempted to drive south for the divorce court. It was winter and we left in a snow storm then as we got more south the weather turned into rain, then hard rain and thunderstorms (with wicked lightning) and then we noticed the wind kicking up. We thought we seen a few scary looking clouds and decided to turn on the radio. We were in the middle of several tornados and we were being advised to seek shelter immediately in certain counties. We had no idea what county we were in as we in areas we never been. I kept praying we could make it to our hotel. We pushed through the driving rain and darkness where sometimes we could not even see the road, and yet Yah got us to our hotel. We did not have a chance to stop to eat so we were also so stressed, tired, and now my sister felt like she was coming down with something. We got to the hotel and some large white geese welcomed us as a pond was nearby (or they wanted us to bring them into the hotel as they were following us in). It was hilarious despite the circumstances and it was like Yah winking at us.
I had to get on the hotel computer to download papers from the lawyer and my sis ran out to the pharmacy for cold medicine. The wind was whipping so hard I was glad the power was on but I was getting more nervous when other guests at the hotel were inquiring where the storm shelter was. We just heard that a nearby mall had been hit by a tornado and a couple people perished. I got off line and went to the room to pray. I tried to call a friend in which to pray, to no avail. I called Yahweh, He is always available and I voiced my tearful concerns for our lives. I never been in a tornado before yet He was with us, Hallelu-Yah! I got more specific in my prayer since I learned there was no storm shelter there other than the bathroom or the kitchen freezer. Yikes! I prayed and believed (and even pictured in my mind) that Yah would pull that tornado right up out of the area. I prayed against the destruction of it and against any demons behind the work and that the enemy would leave me alone, in Yahshua's Name!
I immediately then called my sis as I was really getting nervous yet was keeping my trust in Yah for His protection. She answered and said the stores were closing cause of the tornado and she finally found a place that was just getting ready to close and she got some snacks for us and medicine. The wind was so strong she could not even close or open the car door without a struggle. I was fervently praying for her now. She made it back safely, and Yah protected us. Reminds me of the dream I had a year or so prior about the large man who was sheltering me. Neither the glass house in the dream nor the glass hotel was damaged. Hallelu-Yah! When I noticed the little card on the hotel dresser from the cleaning crew with the fellows name being Elisha I about cried knowing Yah was giving me confirmation that He was with me.
We went the next morning, which was a beautiful and very warm day, to the lawyer first and then to court. I had seen the estranged husband (and who was to be his new wife two days later) after seeking the sheriff escort. The lawyers and judge agreed right away he got the best deal as I mostly wanted out of this horrible marriage. No amount of things or money could give me the love and freedom I had in Yah. They never made me happy nor could they save me. Things only held me back from Yah as I had to keep working to pay for them and I felt like I lost my health, strength, and what should have been a family (with children and other things). But Yah had other plans.
When I was starting to put this testimony down, first in my head I would get upset just thinking of all I had been through as I am really trying to put the painful past behind me. Yet I had to face my fears and do this even if it helps just one person. One of these mornings that I really wanting to get this testimony done (all for Yah’s honor and glory, solely), Yah spoke to me about the pain of the rejection I had felt for all these years now. He told me as I was lying on my bed: "he was not rejecting you, he was rejecting ME.”
Oh Yahweh I praise You and thank You for helping me! You surely are the lover of my soul, I will never let You go! You have taken me from the miry place and set my feet upon Your Rock as You are my Savior and my closest friend! I love You and need You! Praise Your Holy and Wonderful Name! You are an Awesome Elohim and I thank You, Yah, for my life, for my deliverance, for my testimony! Please complete the work you started in me in Yahushua’s Mighty and Incredible Name, Hallelu-Yah!
His Humble Bee