Reaching the youth and all the broken-hearted with the Only Good Medicine:
YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH (Jesus Christ)
Syl was led by the RUACH HA KODESH (Holy Spirit) to the Almightywind
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He hath anointed Me to preach the gospel to the
poor; He hath sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and
recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised..." Luke 4:18
Throughout my whole life, I always seemed to carry a middle-name; "broken-hearted". And I mean, I wasn't just broken-hearted, early in my life as a teenager I sank so low that sleeping was like surviving. I tried to sleep all the time, the whole day if I could. I just slept so I could make it through the day. I despised every single day of my life and my heart was full of grief. I didn't even understand where all this grief came from, but it was certainly there. I could not hide it, it was there. Wherever I went, whatever I did, grief followed me as if it was my tail.
Hi there, my name is Syl, and I was born 21 years ago in the Netherlands. Naturally speaking, I would have been embarrassed to lay my life on the table for everyone to see. But spiritually, I am honoured to use my short but confusing and chaotic past for the Honour and Glory of God the Father and His Son YAHUSHUA (Jesus). So with this honour, I am going to lay it all on the table. And I am going to show the broken-hearted the only medicine that has worked for me. The youth in particular, because they can identify themselves with me even more.
I am going to try to explain where I come from. It isn't easy for me to look back at the past, it almost puts me back in that same feeling of great grief and sorrow I had back then. But I am going to use that past for the Honour and Glory of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, the Love of my life. It is kind of a long testimony, so I hope that you can bring up the patience to read it. It may be a real blessing unto you, whether you are young or old it doesn't matter.
My life before I knew the Son of God
As a child, I got raised up by two parents that where too young and where in a marriage that was doomed to fail. My mother was 19 years old at that time, and my father 20 years old at that time. The first 7 or 8 years of my life they managed to stay together and raise me up. My parents yoked themselves together for all the wrong reasons. They were both wounded souls. My father who had been despised by his own parents, his father in particular, and barely received any love from them in his youth, was a hardened man. He had become a man of extreme things. Everything he did, he had to do extreme. By his extreme unbalanced behaviour, tears rolled over my mother's face all the years that she has been with him. He did not physically abuse her at the time, but mentally. He cheated on her more times than we all could possibly count, spend all the money that we needed to get by on useless things like going out with his friends to get drunk, and had various addictions like gambling. All the time he put the guilt on my mother's shoulders as if she was the cause of his behaviour, telling her that he never wanted to marry her in the first place and that he had been forced by other people. This and other things he threw at her head to mentally and spiritually break her down so that he never had to feel guilty of all the things he did. This would set the standard of how he was going to live his life to this very day; "behave like a mad man, and then blame somebody else."
My mother was a good-looking young woman who had to take care of herself from a very early age. Both parents took off, too busy with themselves, never minding their children. As a teenager, my mother ended up in a kind of boarding school where she lived among many children who had gone through the same faith as her. She was hungry and thirsty after fatherly love. And guess what, she never got it. She has told me some stories of how her father treated her and always let her down and never kept any promise he made. So although this girl grew up, and had to take care of herself, she became totally out of balance concerning things like relationships with men, or boys however you want to call it. She was so hungry for manly attention that she put herself in relationships at an early age. With her wounded soul, she desperately was trying to get some attention from somebody who would give his all for her. She just wanted love.
Eventually at that time, she ended up with my father. Both recognizing each other's pain and thirst for love. In haste they married with each other, lived together and it was then when my mother gave birth to me. They did not plan to have a child, but my mother got pregnant anyway. When I was born, they both were very happy about it and my mother was like; "Well, maybe now he'll change and become different. Now we have a son and he cannot do that stuff anymore." Although both of them took great care of me, my father would not change. Through the years, things got worse and worse. And I grew up in all this misery that my father put us in. I lived in the middle of constant misery, and I grew up as a very careful, quiet and vulnerable little boy. I was always watching from a distance in silence, observing the behaviour of my parents towards one another. I won't tell you what kind of names my father called my mother in my presence, it was just unbelievable.
In the 8 years I went through this whole thing, my mother kind of lost her attention for me. And I don't blame her, she began to break down inside after all these years of insanity. More and more I had to take care of myself. I was doing most of the things alone. I was always alone, didn't have many friends and I was a very quiet person. The school I went to was like on the other side of town. At the age of 6 or 7 I was travelling alone to school by taking the bus and then by walking from the bus station to school. Oh, I remember those cold, dark winters that I had to travel alone through at that age. The loneliness, the darkness, the strange people that surrounded me and the cold wind that blew in my face walking alone through the streets of the city. Each day I went to school with no peace in my little heart, because there was no peace at home. Only constant fights and struggles, constant tension. When I left the house, there was tension, and when I came back home, there was tension.
A child is very tough if he has to be. A child is mentally like "bamboo". A child has something build in his system whereby he can adapt to any circumstance and survive mentally. Out of experience I tell you this, because I have lived it. People were stunned by my personality and my results at school for they knew in what kind of home I grew up. Somewhere deep inside I managed to hide all my frustration, sorrow, grief and fear. It seemed like no one could stop this child. I was the best at school, carried a large smile from ear to ear on my face and seemed double as reasonable and sensible as both of my parents. People were relieved that I was not going in the wrong direction. It seemed like I couldn't do anything wrong, and although I grew up in an environment of constant foul language and hate, there wasn't found any bad word in my mouth either. People felt so sad for me, this little kid with so much potential and everything that had to go through the misery of his parents.
Somewhere down the road my father was searching something new to fulfil the extreme desires of his heart. He became addicted to cocaine, and my mother caught him one day and studied the clothes he had on when he came back that morning from a whole night of absence. She found lipstick and traces of make-up on his shirt whereby she knew that he cheated on her again. But somehow she managed to get him confessing to her that he had used the drug of cocaine. This had become like a new kick for him, he desperately needed new kicks in his life to bring some adventure in his life. So of course this went on and on, and the only thing I saw was my mom, crying and with a phone in her hand taking care of some things because my father got us in one financial disaster. They owed so much debt, that they couldn't possibly pay in 10 years. And instead of handling this situation and supporting my mother, he took off and left the house to go bodybuilding after he had convinced my mother that she was guilty of this whole mess. This went on... and on.... Like a scene that got played over and over again. We had a lack of everything in that time. No money, no food no nothing.
Then all of a sudden my parents decided to get another child. Out of nothing they made that decision. Till this day I don't know what was going on in the mind of my mother when she decided this. She was breaking up inside and she started to change, things happened that often made me wonder; "is that mom?" I did not recognize her behaviour and it scared and confused me. The look in her eyes was different. The way she talked was different, even the way she moved was different. It was then that I in fact had no parents at all anymore. After my mom got pregnant from my younger brother my father made a sort of covenant with her. He said he realized that he loved her so much and that he had to stop doing all the things he had been doing, and promised for the hundredth time or something that things would be different. He promised that he would never again use cocaine too.
Of course, he did not keep his promise and could not stop doing these things. He only did not do it as often as before and hided it better. Suddenly after 9 months of my mother's pregnancy, my father's younger brother died at age 25. He got murdered at a dancing club after getting in a fight. I've heard that 5 or 6 guys beat him to unconsciousness after bashing his head in and leaving him laying on the street where he choked to death in his own blood. I was totally broken by this, and despite my young age I realized exactly what this meant to me. I loved that guy SO, SO much. He was different than the rest of my family; truly he was like an angel to me. A big muscular gentle bear, and I sat on his lap almost each week I saw him. He was such a different guy than the others, he had something innocent, almost childlike. I don't say he was an innocent guy in his life, for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but he had something that was not of this world.
At that time the situation between my father and his younger brother before he died wasn't that good at all. They could not really stand each other. My uncle really ignored my father at the last months of his life because he saw that devastation was coming up shortly wherever my father came. It was like he brought curses with him wherever he came.
1 day after my uncle died, my little brother was born and he received the name of my uncle. The whole family was broken by this, but the birth of my younger brother was like the perfect tranquilizer for everyone. Everything seemed to go in a good direction, but after a short time, my father saw the perfect opportunity to make an excuse for what he was about to do. He began to do drugs again, and went over to something else; heroine. The death of his brother was the perfect opportunity for him to have an excuse to do this stuff. "The death of my brother, the death of my brother, the death of my brother" It almost became his philosophy. He took that as an excuse to do drugs and all other sorts of horrible things. Eventually he became addicted and I saw him constantly stoned on the couch. I remember studying him, and he didn't even realize that I was looking at him. He could barely keep his eyes open, and everything he did was as if he did it in slow motion. He could barely bring a spoon to his mouth to eat, he could do nothing. There he laid, paralyzed like he was on the couch and the only thing I could do was look. That's all, look.
In a matter of weeks my mother began to act different too. All of a sudden, both of them would run like two little children to the bathroom, closed the door and did not come out for the next 30 minutes or so. Something my mother normally would never do, especially not when I am in the house, and my little brother laying there in the living room. When they got back from the bathroom, they were different human beings. They snorted coke in the bathroom together. They were hyperactive and sexually very aroused. They acted like a mad man. But the day after could be 100% different, you never knew what to expect. The day after they were both knocked out for hours and hours, laying there paralyzed without me knowing what to do. My brother needed to be taken care of, but my mother was totally knocked out and she would not wake up. That is when I knew for sure, that my father and my mother were both addicted to drugs. I was 8 years old, had a little brother who wasn't even 1 year old, and there we were with 2 knocked out stoned parents. Something in me died in those days. The feeling of what it's like to have a parent.
In these times my father decided that he was going to make some big time money and began dealing in drugs. Before I knew, we had hordes of junkies coming into our house who came to buy this stuff. My mother would be preparing this stuff, while my father would do the smooth talking. Many times these dirty junkies would be doing these drugs in my presence in the house. Snorting all sorts of stuff while I was sitting in the living room, actually not far from them. All of this became like it was normal, and my father used me to do a good word for him in the neighbourhood. Because people became aware of what was going on. Everywhere I came I had to defend him, because people would be asking the life out of this 8 year old boy. It is then when I really learned how to lie. This boy was no longer the innocent little child like before, I became a great liar and I would receive much of that blood money from my father because I defended him and kept my mouth shut. He even gave some money one time to a young child so that he'd keep his mouth shut. I remember that I went shopping, with the dollar-signs in my eyes. All this money in my pocket, like 200 to 300 dollars in American currency, and with this money I went shopping to buy everything that my little eyes desired. Can you imagine that? 8 years old, 300 dollars, buying stuff like computers and everything? It is almost surreal. But it was real. The people of the stores I went to did not know what to do, they saw all this money I had with me and realized that something was wrong. But they'd sell it to me anyway because in their eyes, money is money. It was at that age that the devil tempted this little boy with things like money, gold and lies to corrupt and contaminate my mind that was once holy.
The dealing in drugs went on for about half a year or something, I do not exactly remember. This came to an end when suddenly the Special Patrol Group kicked in the front door and busted my father and mother, also in my presence. All of a sudden I saw people with I don't know what kind of guns in their hands standing in the living room. The police had been tracking every action that my father had made in those days and decided that day to make an end to his career as one of the most miserable drug dealers in the country. Junkies took advantage of my father's stupidity; convincing him that he should give them a big load of drugs so that they could sell it for him. As if they would ever come back to him, they of course used it themselves. He was known across town as "santa clause" because instead of selling his stuff, he gave it away.
After they both got busted, my mother's sister took me temporarily in the house till one of them would get out of jail. The police promised my father something, and that promise was that they would let my mother go if he would inform the police about one of the most dangerous criminals in town. Being the snitch that he was, he of course did that, not only putting his own life on the line but also the life of my mother and I. This was absolutely not a smart thing to do. But he did it so my mother could go home. So my mother got home, still addicted, unstable and still the different person. I went home to her, and my father was still in jail.
Now I am really going to try to keep the next part of my life short, or else this will become a book. But this I have written in detail so that you know where I came from.
My father was in jail, my mother decided; "I want to divorce, I have had enough of this." She called my father on the phone to tell him this, and my father broke down and begged her not to do this. But it was too late, because she had run into some guy who had the age I am in right now and started a relationship with that guy. That guy turned out to be a psychopath and was a danger to my mother, little brother and me. My father got out of jail, and what did he do? He started a friendship with this psycho because my father smelled money. Instantly my father fell into using drugs and dealing in drugs again. This time, he worked together with this guy. Really strange, strange situations to say the least.
It did not take long before I went to my grandmother to live there. I felt the threat from that guy and knew that I wasn't safe. But the problem was, my grandmother could not handle having my little brother also to live with her so my little brother stayed behind in that mess. He was 1 or 2 years old at that time and stayed right in the middle of two junkies and a psychopath. The boyfriend of my mother began to physically manhandle my mother and my little brother. I have read the awful things that that man has done to my little brother. I will not mention it here because it breaks my heart when I think about it.
Child Care and Protection came to knew about this and took my little brother out of that house, putting him in a foster parent's home. Eventually, I lost complete contact with my mother because she took off with that guy to the north part of the country, and I barely had contact with my father. The only time I would see him was when he came to grandmother's front door to see me, most of the time he was stoned. And when you saw him coming you knew one thing; "trouble up ahead." Wherever he came, he left a kind of tension that broke all peace. He drove people totally crazy with his behaviour.
At the time I lived with my grandmother and grandfather, I would never be "child" again. I did not want to be in their way. So I lived very quiet and modest. For years I was hiding who I was, and felt much oppressed.
After a couple of repetitions of the same scene; my father claiming that he was clean and wanted to start a new life, he seemed to be going in the right direction. He got a job and everything, and was indeed clean. Everyone was amazed that that happened. They were so happy for him. Unfortunately these things would only last for a short time, because after a little while he would throw himself back into that pit again. After years of living with my grandmother and grandfather I felt like, "it's enough." I moved over to my father and his new girlfriend because he convinced me that everything was fine, that he was clean, had a job and that everything was going to be alright. So suddenly I moved in with them, to discover after a short time that my father still was using cocaine. It didn't take long before he also started to use heroine again. We were back to nothing. I was reaching the age that I stopped with keeping my mouth shut. I began to speak. And the more I spoke, the more of a danger I became for him because I confronted him with the facts and his faults. Just like everybody except him was guilty in his eyes, he also began to put in my head that I was the cause of him using drugs. He began to lay guilt on my shoulders and tried to make me believe that I was the cause of the mess he made. Just like he did to everybody including my mom in the past. "Behave like a mad man, blame somebody else." Everyone who stood in his way and confronted him with his way of life was his enemy, even his 11 year old child.
After about 2 years of living with an addict and a woman who hated my guts for no reason at all, I began to break down inside. Things were going in a wrong direction for me. People started noticing that my results at school were not as they used to be, and they saw that something was terribly wrong. I was walking around with old wounds, received new wounds every day, and I became very grieved. Out of nothing I started crying because of all this pain inside that I could not handle. Not only did I have this pain, but these 2 people where spiritually pummelling me day by day. I could not explain why I had to cry, I did not have the ability to understand all the things like I understand it now. But there was something I knew deep down inside; unrighteousness abounded constantly. Suddenly my mother came back in the picture, she sought contact with me. She was clean, had given birth to my half brother, left the maniac that she was with and was looking for a nice place to live to start over new. And the more I had contact with her, the more grieved I became when I had to go back to my father. After a while of mental and spiritual abuse, I went to my mother and never went back to my father again. The first year I received letters from my father how I was a piece of dirt and that he would hit me in the face if he saw me. And we are talking about a 33 year old man speaking to a 13 year old kid.
Well, I did not give too much attention to this and I was happy to be with my mother again. She was still very unstable but I saw how hard she tried to make the best out of it. Of course this was good enough for me, and I didn't even have to think about forgiveness. She had already received my forgiveness. So here I was in a strange town, a different school, different people and an environment that I didn't knew. I had a tough time feeling comfortable in this place. I was a loner by nature, very insecure and very shy. I had problems to adapt and to feel comfortable with new people around me. It was at that time that the child was no longer like "bamboo" and had a difficult time. I carried too many unhealed spiritual wounds. I was trying to find my way badly but there was a feeling inside that did not go away. My father sank so low, his girlfriend eventually left him, he had so many financial debts, was addicted and started living on the streets like a bum. Sometimes I would go back to that town where I lived for 12 years and one time I saw my father passing me by on the crowded streets of the city. He did not even recognize me, he was stoned and it was like the lights were on but nobody was home. He did weird stuff, like talking to statues and things like that. People that I knew always had a new story to tell when they had seen my father downtown behaving like a fool. People thought that I wanted to hear these things, but I didn't.
Because of the unstableness of my mother, she suddenly started a relationship with a younger man again. Out of nothing this guy would come to the place we lived, and in the middle of the day he would take my mother to the bedroom where they would be having sex for hours and hours while my little half brother stood crying next to them beside the bed, not knowing what was happening to his mother with this weird guy under the sheets. On that day also, something else died in me, my dignity. I totally lost respect for my mother, but also my self respect. It was like somebody had raped my spirit that day to squeeze the last bit of life out of my soul. Weird things happened, tension was everywhere and being the broken down 14 year old boy that I was I did not come up for myself. All this anger, all this pain, all this frustration of feeling the same anguish throughout my whole life, all these things I stored up in the basement inside of my body. But the problem was, the basement was full...
After 2 months or so of being with this guy, my mother wanted to end the relationship with this guy. The man didn't just get up and leave, he started to make trouble and would bother us in the middle of the night and things like that. Child Care and Protection started to smell that something was wrong, because people from that institution still had contact with me and my mother. So after this guy was out of the house, one foolish woman of this institution decided to try to create a lawsuit against my mother to take me out of the house and to force me to go to a boarding school. At that time I said to that woman that I didn't want that at all, because that would be even worse for me. A new different place, children with all sorts of personal problems in great number, locked up like a criminal in a building, I did not want that. Especially not after I just went through a horrible time of adapting to the place I lived. "Not again!!" But this woman was stiff-necked and very cold-hearted, and tried to get me out of the house anyway. She put so much pressure on me by doing this, and my mother seemed not to realize how she got me in this situation again, so I was like on my own in this one. My mother didn't know what to do. Instead of comforting me, he gave me the feeling that I would be gone in a matter of weeks. So we all went to court, and I was like; "come and get me, but you better bring a whole army and a tank to get me because I ain't going anywhere." I had to stick up for myself and I managed to convince that judge in the courtroom that he shouldn't place me out of the house. And I was like; "What am I doing here anyway?" But how cool and cocky I may have seemed from the outside, from the inside I cracked under the pressure all these people put me in. After we won this lawsuit, my life would never be the same again.
At the age of 14 I got into a deep, dark hole of depression. And this went on for 5 straight years. There was NO chance at that time that I would come out of it. The first years of my depression I spend most of the time in bed. I hated my life, I hated my days, hated myself, hated the people and the wounds were too painful to carry. So sleeping was like surviving. It was my way to make it through the day. I did not go to school anymore, and eventually I quit high school. My mother didn't know what to do because she would get no movement in me. After uncountable failed attempts to get me to stand up in the morning to go to school, my mother gave up, because she couldn't handle the situation anymore. Because even when she thought I went to school, I really didn't go. And I lied so much that she didn't know what to believe anymore. So each day she took off and went to work, and there I was alone at home. Just sleeping, thinking. There was no hope, no future, and no goal to achieve, there really was nothing. When I thought of the future, all I saw was one big giant grey wall standing in front of me that I could not go through. I was a failure, and the loser of all losers. There was no one around that really loved me with an unconditional love.
I just lay there the whole day, hungry, thirsty, and although I ate and drank, I remained hungry and thirsty. It was a different kind of thirst, not a physical thirst. I could not handle waking up in the morning. And I thought I had some painkillers to stop the pain temporarily. One of these painkillers was pornography. This was one of the painkillers I used the most. Not understanding that it wasn't a painkiller at all. It poisoned my mind, body and spirit. This became like an addiction. And this poisonous addiction would haunt me longer than I ever dared to think. After a few years of this depression I had a new painkiller; bodybuilding. To this very day, although I did it for all the wrong reasons, I consider this sport when it is done in a natural healthy way without
vanity a real blessing. As I said, I started doing this sport for the wrong reasons because vanity eventually became a main factor.
I started training at home, and after that I went to a gym. Each set and each repetition I did was symbolic. It symbolized all my pain. Each training I gave all I had in me. I used all my frustration, all these years of loneliness, all this grieve and anger that I had inside of me and I developed a different kind of body in a short time. I went from a 110 pound weak boy, to a 150 pound strong muscular kid with an amazing physical muscular development. I became like a hero at the gym because people started to notice this boy wonder.
But no matter how much of a hero I was at the gym, at home in my personal life, I was a big loser. At the time I became 17 and 18 years old I still had nothing, no high school diplomas, no job, no purpose, there was still nothing. When I was 18 years old I had been having a girlfriend for two years. It wasn't difficult with the body I had to get the attention of girls. This was new for me, and I became very vain. Of course this was foolishness because it meant nothing. But the attention of girls made me feel like I was somebody. My girlfriend was constantly with me and she really, really seemed to love me. So we became like each other's hope because she also was a wounded person. She lived with me, slept with me and it did not take long before we lived as if we were married. This was all wrong, but she was the best painkiller in my depressed life and I truly loved her. Anything to kill the pain, I didn't care. Even to this very day I love that young woman, but we were together for all the wrong reasons. God unyoked us a little while ago, but more about that later.
Well, I do not know if you could call it a life, but my life went on and I remained in the same depression. My life consisted out of lies, failures and fear. I had a hard time being faithful to the girl I loved and luckily I was a very shy person when it came to girls. Although I had cheated on her once, my shy nature prevented me to make more trouble. Otherwise I certainly would've ended up doing what my dad did to my mom. But in my heart, I was anything but faithful to the girl. She thought that she could totally trust me, but I certainly could not be trusted.
While this whole mess was going on I tried to look for a job. But mentally I could not handle a job. I was way too depressed to have a job. Especially to do the kinds of work that you end up with if you don't have any diplomas or qualifications. So after a while I pretended like I was looking for a job but I wasn't. So after 5 straight years I was still sitting at home and not a thing to do but being depressed and broken-hearted, not knowing how to get myself out of this mess. I realized that I needed help, serious help. I was astounded when I began to think about my untrustworthiness, the many lies I spoke, and all the other horrible things I did. I considered myself as a victim and never took the guilt on my shoulders that belonged to me. And after a short while I started to realize something... "I am NO better than my father!" After I realized this I pretty much panicked in my spirit.
Because if even I cannot be trusted, then who can be trusted?? Is what I thought by myself. It was at that same day that I realized that ABSOLUTELY NO HUMAN BEING can be trusted. There resides NO righteousness in a natural human being, only false righteousness that is foolishness really. That day I realized the horrible condition that mankind is in, and I was proof of that. The "bamboo boy wonder" could not even be trusted. That same day would be one of the worst days ever in my life. Because I did not have ANY clue why the things were like they were! Great sorrow
and bitterness filled my heart that day, realizing that I wasn't only a victim, but also a perpetrator.
I began searching for some answers but I didn't get any. Because the world wasn't ready or waiting for the sort of
questions I had. Why is the world like it is today? Who am I? Where do I come from? What's the whole purpose of my life? Why am I here? People told me that I had too much time to think, that I really shouldn't be searching for these answers because I wouldn't find them anyway. I did not fit into their busy schedule. I asked too many difficult questions. People didn't care about these questions, they were too busy with their jobs and all the other things that kept them busy. And I thought; what's the point of going to work anyway, when you're living like a sheep that merely follows the majority, not knowing who you are, not knowing what the purpose is of life and where you come from? That is pathetic! If that was the purpose to life; living a life of working 60 hours a week, so that you can buy everything you don't even need so that you are a somebody in the eyes of an evil world, then I rather died there on the spot!
If I really was an evolved monkey, with absolutely no purpose in life but to die so that evolution could go on, I rather died there on the spot! By not having any answers to my questions I became more and more frustrated, of course not knowing that by seeking these answers I would come closer to God. I tried everything to get help, a psychologist tried to help me, some new age guy gave me some stones to put around my neck, I bought a couple of Buddha's and began to meditate, I mean I was getting offered everything but the kitchen sink. After a little while, nothing had changed of course. The feeling was the same. I was depressed, my heart was broken, still had no answers to my questions and NOTHING worked. I thought; "who's kidding who?" That was the time when I thought; "the people are ALL lost! Not just me, they are ALL lost!" They offered me everything but nothing worked, it was like everyone was caught up in one big giant lie. Most of the people that tried to help me were strained themselves! And if there was one thing that experience taught me, it was that people cannot be trusted either. And again, I was proof of that.
So what did I do, I began doing the best thing that I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE; I began my journey searching for God. And why? I wanted to seek that which the people rejected; JESUS CHRIST. The people and their vain talking were not interesting to me anymore. I got curious after that which they rejected; the Bible. Little did I know at the time that YAHUSHUA had been watching my every move and that He had been waiting for me for a long time, ready to receive me in His Loving arms of redemption and to CHANGE my entire life! From darkness to the LIGHT.
Read in the next part how my life changed instantly after I called out to GOD
"My life when YAHUSHUA (Jesus) revealed Himself to me"
I began my journey of searching for God when I was 19 years old. Like I said, I began seeking after that which the lost ones (the people) rejected. One day, I went to the town where I grew up. And I was searching for a job there but nobody could help me, nor was anybody interested in a kid who didn't even have a high school diploma. So after traveling a whole day through town searching for a job I ended up at a bookstore, and the first thing I did was look for a Bible. That day I bought my first Bible and I was so happy with it. I was hungry and curious to what that book had to offer me. So when I came home, I showed my girlfriend what I had bought and the first thing she asked if I recall it right was; "how much did that cost?" Money was very important to her and that's the only thing she could think of; how much that Bible cost. I began to read and she thought it was kind of weird that I was reading the Bible while laying next to her in bed instead of making love to her. She constantly wanted my attention so she was sort of jealous that I read the Good Book. She wasn't used to that kind of things. But I didn't care, I just kept reading. I was surprised by myself too, I was changing a little bit. I felt so clean and pure just by reading the Bible.
I felt an intense desire to read the gospels of Jesus Christ. But guess what, I didn't know anything about the Bible so I did not even find those gospels! I did not know that the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John contained the gospel of Jesus Christ. So I was like; "where in the world can I read about Jesus in this book?" I began flipping the pages without results, the pages seemed endless. 1500 pages or something. So I began to read in the old testament. The creation of man, some psalms and I think I read some things in the book of Job. After a few days of reading, I became discouraged. I did not understand those stories, it was like I was blind. The things I read made no sense to me and I had to read the same verses over and over again because it was too difficult for me. I thought I was just dumb or had a lack of concentration. I really tried to understand all these things but I could not. With my eyes I read what there stood but my brain could not comprehend it. Out of discouragement I put the book away, but I still opened it a few times after that because the Holy Spirit was making me hungry after the things of God.
It didn't take long before I was searching for anything that got to do with Jesus on the Internet. I just typed that name in the Google search bar and I found this website called;
I spend hours and hours on this website, getting to know the gospel of Jesus Christ and how He lived His life here on earth. I enjoyed this so much, the stories of Jesus inspired me and I was getting hungrier and hungrier. There was a feeling I got out of this that I can't even describe now. Almost everyday I was listening and reading the stories of Jesus Christ, and when my girlfriend came back from school she thought it was strange that I was just sitting there to listen to the stories of Jesus. My mother got worried about me too. They did not know me in that way. After a while I knew who Jesus Christ the Son of God was, but I still did not understand why He had to die on a cross and why He was risen. I believed all this in my heart, but I did not understand the purpose of this. Why did He do that, why did He have to suffer? And being the inpatient person I am to this day, I totally forgot to read the "invitation" at the end of the story. I forgot to read the message of salvation, how we can approach God. So after all these things and my journey for God, I still did not know that I could approach God and that I could have a harmonious relationship with Him. That He could plant His Holy Spirit in me to dwell in me and to lead me and be my Best Friend and Comforter. The things of Jesus made me happier, but I remained the same person. Still depressed and tired of living.
Months went by and I was wondering if I would ever find a job or something so that I wouldn't have to feel like a pathetic loser anymore. I had enough of it. I just wanted to work. After six months of looking for a job I became very desperate and I didn't know what to do anymore. I felt like a bum, good for nothing. With great trouble and grief in my heart I went on my knees praying to God, seriously begging Him to give me a job. I wasn't a born again child of Him, but I prayed to Him with the little knowledge I had not even knowing that I needed to be saved. It was the same week after that prayer, begging Him to help me clean up my miserable life and giving me a job, that out of nothing a strange man called me on the phone and offered me a job as a fitness-instructor. He invited me to come so that we'd meet together, because he'd heard that I was looking for a job. After that phone call my mouth fell wide open and indescribable joy filled my heart. I thanked God for answering my prayer. So after my meeting with the man, he gave me the job and I started to work for him. I remember looking at the place I would be working and a kind of fear crept inside of me. A big hall full of modern training equipment, and... SO MANY people.
After years of isolating myself in the house, being depressed and having nobody to talk with, I now had to work in a place where I received responsibility on my shoulders to take all of these people under my wing. I was a shy, insecure person with no dignity at the time and I had to walk around there with all strange eyes on me. But there was something inside of me, a small voice in my heart that told me; "go ahead kid, you'll be alright." Never realizing that God was talking to me and giving me the strength to do this. When time passed by, my confidence started growing and growing and people absolutely began to love me. Almost praising me for my personality and telling me often how glad they were that someone like me helped them. I became like a magnet there.
People trusted me and most of the time looked for me; "is Syl here today?" To this day I am convinced that God worked in the hearts of many people so that they loved and liked me even though they could not even explain why. Some woman came up to me to tell me how special I was and she got goose bumps from my presence. And I was like; "me, special??" I became more confident, my personality became stronger and my balance started to grow. I no longer had the feeling that I wasn't worth a buck. But the most important thing at that time was that I literally had the feeling that somebody had taken me by the hand and walked with me wherever I went. That somebody was YAHUSHUA. I felt like someone was looking out for me, constantly watching my every step and helping me. It was like somebody walked right next to me all the time. And it was at that time, God's perfect time, that I was ready to be saved and to receive YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH the Son of God as my Lord and Saviour. I was more than ready, but the only thing I had was a lack of knowledge. So YAHUSHUA took me by the hand again, and showed me the meaning of the Cross.
At one day, something suddenly came to my mind; "Hell". I am convinced that the Holy Spirit convicted me to investigate the reality of hell. YAHUSHUA warned the people in the Bible to fear God, Who has power to cast people into hell. So I was like, what does He mean by that? And again, I searched all over the Internet to find something about Hell. "What was hell? And who will be going there?"
YAHUSHUA used this web page to tell me one thing; "Even you are on your way to hell if you do not accept Me as your Messiah, your Lord and Saviour." It was when I read all these pages that the Holy Spirit opened my mind and made me understand that I was a hell-deserving sinner that needed to be saved badly. And that salvation only comes through the Name and Blood of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH (Jesus Christ). After I read all this I asked myself; "Why hasn't anybody told me this?" And of course nobody needed to convince me that I was a sinner, I already knew that. I looked one short moment back on my life again, and I realized that my life was one big source of lies and untrustworthiness.
YAHUSHUA showed me the meaning of the Cross that same day. These web pages where an absolute shocker, but I could handle it and had no problems believing it. I turned my computer down and took a moment to think about this stuff I had come across.
Finally after a couple of minutes I felt the urge to sit down and pray. This is what I prayed that day;
Father in Heaven, I pray to You in the Name of Jesus Christ. Father I know that I deserve to go to hell and that I am a sinner. I am a sinner in need of Your forgiveness that comes through the sacrifice that Jesus made on the Cross. Please save me from hell and forgive me of my sins. I believe that Jesus Your Son paid the price for my sins. I open the door of my heart for You this day, and I invite you to come in. Send me the Holy Spirit! Send the Holy Spirit to come into my heart and lead me! Teach me! Live inside of me! Take my life and change it into something You want it to be. This day I lay my whole life into Your hands Father, do with my life what You want to do. I beg this in the Name of Jesus Christ, I thank You in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
The day I prayed this, would be the BEST day of my life. It was the day that Abba YAHUVEH saved me and accepted me as His Child. In a matter of a very short time everything in my life became very, very different. It is hard for me to explain, you have to live it to understand what I mean. It was like somebody switched on the lights in my mind, body and spirit. I began to think different, act different and see things different. It didn't take long before I woke up for the first time in so many years without being depressed and tired of living. Something inside of my heart had changed. It was like 200 pounds had fallen off my shoulders. The pain I carried for years was gone, my spiritual wounds began to heal. Instead of pointing my finger to people to blame them for my pain and anguish, I began to feel sorry for them and to love them. I instantly forgave people because YAHUSHUA made me understand that the people who made my life miserable in my childhood didn't even realize and understand what they had done. He showed me that they had lived their life that way because they didn't know Him. They were lost and hurt themselves, and they needed Him too.
One of the best proofs for myself that the Ruach ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit) lived inside of me was when I opened up the Bible. It was as if the Bible had been Chinese all the time and all of a sudden somebody translated it into my language. Hebrews 4:12 became truth to me;
"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even
to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner
of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
Each time I opened up the Word of God, I was a different kind of person afterwards. The Word of God made me grow and made me understand Who I was worshiping and what YAHUVEH wanted me to do. I began to hear His voice clearer and He taught me everything He wanted me to do different in my life. It didn't take long before I realized that there were so many more sins in my life than I thought. My sins were like big giant trees standing in front of me that needed to be chopped down. And I thought; "man, I never knew that a human being was that evil." I realized that the natural human being without God living inside of him was dead in his transgressions and sins. The natural human being thinks everything is fine that he does, he does not see his need of a Saviour. The Ruach ha Kodesh convicts a man and opens his mind so that he sees his need of a Savoir. Like YAHUSHUA said,
"Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto Me, except it were given unto him of My Father." John 6:65
It really needs to be given to you by the Holy Spirit. So the months went on and I knew nothing about spiritual warfare, and keeping myself clean in the Blood of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH. Still, Father YAHUVEH raised me up and chopped tree after tree down for me in my life and I became a totally different kind of man. Because of my lack of knowledge He forgave me and gave me a special kind of anointing. Of course I didn't know anything about anointing and things like that. One particular night something woke me up, as if someone gently pushed me a little bit to wake me up and I saw a strange kind of light that flickered, and that light came near me and when it was close to me I suddenly couldn't see it anymore. I really thought I was getting crazy. The following nights I experienced the same thing; something would wake me up at night, again and again, and if I fell asleep it would wake me up again. As if someone said; "Hey, I am here and I want your attention."
But this time, the light I had seen next to my bed the first time, was inside of me. I could feel something inside of me, and if I closed my eyes in the middle of the night I sometimes saw a bright light as if the sun was shining on my closed eyes or something. Little did I know that it was the Ruach ha Kodesh in me, that had given me a special kind of anointing to receive Prophetic visions and dreams. So one day, the Ruach ha Kodesh woke me up at night and showed me my first vision; "YAHUSHUA drinking out of a cup." After a little while I began to see other things at night, like "YAHUSHUA standing a far off in a snow white garment looking at me" and "YAHUSHUA rising from the dead." After these things happened, my faith really started to grow. I felt such a strong calling on my life but I had no clue what that calling was. In a short time I'd become a pretty polished evangelist and I was pretty much evangelizing everywhere I came. The Ruach ha Kodesh unleashed Holy fire in my bones and I only wanted to do two things; please God, and reach souls for YAHUSHUA. The people around me thought I'd become insane. But I got used to it.
8 or 9 months after I got saved, I got baptized in the Sunday church I went to at that time. YAHUSHUA eventually took me out of this church because I did not belong there. I wasn't better than anybody else, but He took me apart for Himself because He had plans for me. The leaders of this church operated on man-made doctrines and flawed theology. (Like most leaders do today) The Ruach ha Kodesh in me often became grieved when I went to this church. I didn't understand why I was so grieved when I came there, I thought I was doing something wrong. But the Holy Spirit showed me the errors in this church and gave me a clear look into the heart of these leaders. I became very angry and frustrated. These were not leaders; they were like the pharisees of old.
Who thought they were qualified to be the pastor of the church because they had a theology-degree. Each time I went to the pastor to tell him that he erred in some things he was like; "Look, you need me to understand the scriptures because I have a background in theology. And you need to go study because you can't teach me anything." What he did is he thought he could buy the gifts of the Holy Spirit by traveling to America and getting a theology degree.
Well let me tell you something, you are either an evangelist or you're not. No human being can teach you how to evangelize. The gift of evangelizing and the gift of prophecy are either given to you by the Holy Spirit or not. No human being can deem himself worthy of being an evangelist or a prophet, YAHUVEH Himself chooses who He deems worthy of being His Prophet. And on the day I got baptized YAHUSHUA proved the pastor and his whole lukewarm congregation that HE Himself raises up His Prophets and Evangelists by the Power of His Spirit, not humans. After merely 15 minutes of preaching behind that pastor's pulpit, people were in awe of my preaching.
I got used that day by YAHUSHUA as His mouthpiece and He also chastised the whole congregation through me. After my preaching, some people said "we are dealing here with a prophet." I looked into the eyes of the leaders and I saw one thing, they were not happy about it. Here was a 20 year old kid who kicked the lukewarm congregation's butts Holy Spirit Style. YAHUSHUA proved that day that the ones that get raised up by the Ruach ha Kodesh are His true Prophets and Evangelists, not the ones who walk after teachers that are merely human beings.
After I boldly preached before a whole lukewarm congregation it was like YAHUSHUA said to me; "now is the time My son, I am going to reveal the complete truth to you."
Well, YAHUSHUA got introduced to me by the Name of Jesus Christ. I had only read about the Hebrew Name of the Son of God once. And that was weeks before I got baptized. After I had been baptized, I felt an intense desire to find the article that Elisabeth wrote; "Why we use the sacred Names." That was the article I had read. So I began searching on the Internet again to find this article. And it was at that day that YAHUSHUA introduced me to His "Amightywind Ministry" and let me read the prophecies given to Elisabeth.
To be honest, I barely could handle this new stuff I had come across. I knew for sure that my Heavenly Father was speaking through Elisabeth, but the prophecies hurt me very bad. After I read a couple ones, I thought that Father was VERY ANGRY with me. He seemed to be so harsh and I fooled myself. I thought that He was speaking all these harsh things and threats to me. But that was certainly not the case. YAHUSHUA brought me to this website to sooth my broken heart and to confirm many things to me. I wasn't even saved for one year, I was very young, and people had lead me a little bit astray in many teachings. So I didn't know what Father exactly desired from me. But now was His perfect time to let me know what He desired from me; Obedience. And now was His perfect time to share His secrets with me also.
I didn't realize that YAHUSHUA would be patient with me and that He'd give me time to adapt to these new biblically accurate teachings I had come across. So while I was pretty much panicking and putting way too much pressure on my shoulders I finally contacted Niko and Elisabeth to tell them how many tears had rolled over my face since I read the prophecies. Niko quickly replied to me the same week to comfort me and to tell me that I shouldn't be worried, and that YAHUSHUA would give me time to adapt. I really thought that YAHUSHUA did not love me because I of course did not reach that standard of obedience and holiness at that time. Father was speaking harshly against the people who had come across these prophecies years and years ago but willingly closed their eyes and ears and didn't do anything with it. He didn't speak these threats against me. But the devil was attacking me and convincing me that Abba rejected me.
The devil brought me months of fear and depression and I became my own worst enemy. I put more pressure on my shoulders than I could handle and thought that I was a real failure. But fortunately YAHUSHUA ultimately spoke to my heart and confirmed to me that He was very pleased with me and that He looked at my heart. He saw how bad I wanted to change my life and to obey Him, but it would take small steps. Steps that I could take without drowning. YAHUSHUA was so good to me and always was at my side. He never let me down and in a matter of a few months I reached a Spiritual development in Him that many of His children do not reach in a lifetime. Truly, the loser became a winner, the fool became a wise man. The Anointing in me grew stronger and YAHUSHUA finally confirmed to me what kind of calling He had placed on my life.
YAHUSHUA's calling on my life
Although I carry the anointing of a Prophet, I don't feel too comfortable walking around and calling myself a Prophet. I consider myself more as a Messenger. My job is more that of a Messenger because I have received the task to reach my country with YAHUVEH's Prophecies given to Elisabeth and to call and wake up the Bride of YAHUSHUA here in the Netherlands. So what I do is I am writing articles that support and explain YAHUVEH's Prophecies, I translate the Prophecies and the plan is to make packages of it and to reach as many of YAHUVEH's Children as possible in my country. I also believe that the European Prophecies which are about to be released should be included in that. This is I believe my "first calling."
The second calling I have on my life is a calling that Elisabeth had to confirm to me because I did not even know it. My calling is to reach the youth with my writings and to teach them the ways of YAHUVEH and to let them learn of the mistakes I made. My job is to reach the youth for YAHUSHUA, to comfort the brokenhearted, and to bind the wounds that satan will inflict on them after they become a threat to his Kingdom by knowing the truth and being a saved Child of YAHUVEH through the Name of YAHUSHUA. And believe me, satan has aggressively attacked me from all angles since I got saved and inflicted many wounds on me. If you are in the beginning of your journey with YAHUSHUA, expect the same. The first years won't be pretty, especially if you are going to be a serious threat to the Kingdom of satan, for satan already knows who will be a threat to him and he is working hard to silence YAHUSHUA's Lions. But hold on tight to the hem of YAHUSHUA's Garment and He won't let you drown. He will not allow you to go through more pressure than you can handle. He knows how much pressure to put on His clay before it breaks, you won't break if you trust Him. Just pass the tests He lets you go through.
My task is to help the youth to overcome satan's manipulative attacks on their minds and spirits and to bind their wounds. Many will learn from my mistakes and will achieve much faster spiritual growth in YAHUSHUA because they will hide my knowledge in their hearts which I gained through much suffering and wrestling. Many will be saved from much suffering because I went that road for them; constantly seeking and constantly hurt. Blessed is the man who listens to the Prophets, and learns from the anointing they carry. Trust me; it'll make your life easier if you hide the knowledge of the Prophets in your heart, because the Prophets have attained that knowledge by MUCH suffering. Be wise and be blessed by them.
Well folks, this is where I come from and this is the calling I have on my life. Stay tuned because I will write articles weekly to share the knowledge and wisdom YAHUSHUA has blessed me with. I hope and pray that my messages, articles, dreams and visions will bless you all, young and old, and will lead you into all truth and a quick spiritual development in YAHUSHUA. You will see how this section will be expanded in a short time, just be patient. YAHUSHUA has got a plan and knowledge will increase among His young Lions which He is raising up. Feel free to contact me anytime if you feel like I can help you with something. That's why I'm here, to help people for YAHUSHUA.
"But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the
weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty." 1 Corinthians 1:27
Thank You YAHUSHUA for choosing this weak foolish young man, to proclaim Your Mighty Works and Goodness to the people. I humbly accept the tasks You have given me, always knowing that I am NOTHING without You.
BLESSED IS HE, THAT COMETH IN THE NAME OF YAHUSHUA HA MASHIACH